A girl can develop a cold and worse.

Last week I went to bed with a cold.  Just a sore throat.  I tried to keep my cool, tried to keep the fear under control.  Would this sore throat turn into something worse? Would I be able to run and finish my 1/2 marathon without succumbing to bronchitis, pnuemonia or asthma?

I know, I know.  It sounds a little melodramatic right?  A little cold isn't going destroy everything. Unfortunately, I do have a history of developing bronchitis and asthma from just little colds.  For a while it was almost yearly.   It all started my first bone chilling stay in Rexburg, Idaho.   Probably from sleeping next to a breezy, moldy window I captured a cold, a nice hacking cough in my lungs.  I insanely kept running in the frigid Alaskan like weather of Idaho despite it.  Of course, I ended up in the ER.  Ever since then my lungs have succumbed easily to just a casual cold.

I feel betrayed by my body. This is what I tell it:

You were right there!  Just weeks away from achieving your goal!  What happened?  Is this sabotage?  Is this stemming from some inner demon, some childhood insecurity coming back to tell me, "You'll never be good enough.  You'll never truly achieve greatness.  Really?  Is this how it's going to go down?"  Is my fear of failing creating the perfect storm of bodily sabotage?
I've been trying to coax and talk to the little girl inside of me into believing that everything is ok.  That there really isn't anything to prove other than crossing the finish line.  No time or pain requirements, just cross that line.  Nobody expects anything out of me in this race, it's ok.  You're safe.

And then I wonder if it's because of the mounds of stress I feel buried under right now?

A husband who is sick and going to school full time, no family income and I need to find a part time job to support our family.... and then all the emotional traumatizing things that means to me, like not being the mother that I want to be.  (Don't worry, there's more I just don't want to publicly share everything.)
I'm wanting to achieve my dreams, my goals in the midst of everything that's going wrong, so that I can know two things

1.  Being Positive and having faith and hope creates little miracles
2.  With God I can be powerful to make important, healthy and good life changes.

Not having everything go perfectly and according to plan won't change my faith in God, I just wanted an opportunity to cement it even more.  I've never really done this before, taken on a project  in a place of such desperation with determination to be positive and full of hope and faith to see if I couldn't make changes, needful changes for me and for my family.  I'm not angry at God even if I don't understand.  I know that there are other miracles and other tender mercies, and for some reason this is the path God has chosen for me to walk down. It must be that this path will lead me to where God wants me to be, learning things He wants me to learn.  It makes me a little bit sad.  But.  I will trust Him.  Or, I will learn to trust Him more.

Who knew that a little cold could do all of this.

PS.  I ran 3 miles today, thinking I could push through it.  It may have not been the best plan of attack.

What do you do to cope when things aren't going according to your plans?

Progress

 The other day, I was feeling frustrated with my weight loss.  I hit a plateau... I ran 9 miles, burning 900 calories and didn't lose a pound.   I admit, it was discouraging.  And I allowed dissatisfaction and depression to settle in.  And then, I came across these pictures, more particularly the pictures from Alaska, and it hit me, how far I had come.  My body is not perfect.  It may never look exactly like I want it to (I've always wanted to look toned.)  That's okay.  What I need to remember is that I'm moving in the right direction and taking steps to be the healthiest and best me that I can be.  Instead of beating myself up because I'm in a bit of rut, I need to be kind to myself.  Loving myself, each step of the way, because I'm worth being loved no matter how much weight I've gained or lost.  AND so are you.

In Alaska, about 3 months after Aiden was born (180 lbs ish)

More than a year after Aiden was born 175-178 lbs

160-165 lbs around the same time

160-165 lbs a few months later

about 150lbs about 2 months later

about 150lbs... ditto

Be Generous

BE GENEROUS WITH YOURSELF, AS GENEROUS AS YOU WOULD BE TO YOUR BEST                                                                               FRIEND.


I totally failed with the Calorie count.  For a few days I ate too little (something to cry about right? :)  I was eating healthy, but by the time I finished exercising at night I would need to eat at least 1,200 to 1,500 calories just to be around 1,300-1,500 calories a day.  Not healthy.  I must admit though, it's emotionally nice to be on this side of the battle. When I was in High School and my first year of college, I counted calories for school health projects, they both turned into disasters.

It's sad how distorted your view of yourself can be.  This was college, when I was so sure I was overweight.

I would feel guilty for eating something and then I would emotionally beat myself up and eat more.  I used food as punishment, to establish that I really wasn't worth it.  Here eat another donut.  You deserve the extra five pounds and the sick feeling in your stomach that unhealthy food gives you (it really does, too much sugar and starch make my body feel bleh.)

BUT  I am not that person anymore.  I may have small relapses... days where my demons come back to haunt me, but I've learned a better way and how to let them go.  I do my best to take the emotion and shame out of my food crimes.  Just take a deep breath and let it go.  And if I can't quit get there that day, then I make goals for the next day, and the next, and next.  I try to never give up on myself.  I will do better the next day.  Shame and self loathing are destructive and crippling.  Destroying the best in you will never create motivation to change for the better.  Be generous with yourself, as generous as you would be to your best friend.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:  Friday, I took a turn for the worse.  I did a serious no, no.  I worked out and then took off to get Asher and run a few errands... and I didn't bring any healthy snacks with me to make sure I was okay.  By the end of it all, three hours later, my blood sugar had seriously dropped.  I was ready for the pizza and cookies that I bought for the BYU football party we were going to have.  I think I still managed to be near my caloric intake goal... but it wasn't healthy.  But it was so good.  Warm and filling for a starving body.  It was going to be my one splurge day of the week... that's my goal, just one day during the week were I can splurge a little at dinner time.  Well, I failed.  I've had at least 2 splurge nights since I began with these new goals.  But I'm okay with it.  My idea is, that I'm practicing.  Just like I practice to run a few miles effectively, I'm practicing how to eat healthy, and I'm balancing the amount of calories my body really needs.  And, like I said up above.  It's okay.  Try to do better next time, but don't beat yourself up about it... the more you practice the better you'll get at it.

see, one day, he'll know how to play football.  It's baby steps.  It's practicing and balancing until you can learn and apply.

Intervals AND1 not ANDI

I'll help you do yoga mom... I know it's not me running on the elliptical but....

My toes went numb the last mile when I ran on the elliptical for 5 miles doing intervals.  My favorite part about using the elliptical for a good workout is, I get to do it in my sandals, my AND1 sandals that I thought said ANDI, when I first got them.  I was really sad to find out that the sandals, did not in fact, have my nickname printed on them.  Intervals are good for speed training, and burning more calories and fat.  Your body is like a machine and when you keep a nice steady pace your cells get lazy (it's called cell memory, it's like Homer Simpsons at the controls of the nuclear plant...

 I've done this a million times, I don't need to exert as much energy, I'll just eat donuts and fall asleep), so even though everything is running smoothly, you plateau.    When you mix things up, your body has to work harder to switch gears and keep things flowing.  It's like you're always keeping it on it's guard, ready to do something different and new.  That's true for exercise too, switching up the exercises you do everyday does the same thing.

Yoga Inferno

Listen!  They jingle!  All the way!

I got part of the costume I will be wearing in my 1/2 marathon.  It's a Halloween 1/2.  So excited.  I'll be a belly dancer.  Kind of.  At least, if it's warm enough.  If not I'll just be wearing a skirt with sparkles on it over my jogging pants.  My in laws suggested that I wear antlers too, and then I could be a belly dancing reindeer.  Everyone believes that the jingling sound might be obnoxious for 13 miles.  It reminds me of a time a friend and I bought some anklets with bells on them.  We loved them.  Everyone else did not.  It's possible the other runners will avoid me like a pariah during the race... maybe I should just get a tutu.  It's not original, but, it's silent.

what do belly dancers do again?  I've heard belly dancing is one of the best forms of exercise for your mind body connection... I think I just might have to try it.

AND THEN... I got Jillian's Yoga Inferno... and it hurt!... I can't wait until I can actually do the moves and not have to pause the video.  Everyone once in a while, I found myself silently cursing, wondering what she was doing and why the heck she was trying to kill me.

Isaac really wanted to be in the pictures with me

the boys did their own photo shoot later.  Here's Asher/Captain America

And here is Iron man or Isaac, he's pretty tough as evidenced by how easily he throws my yoga mat around

1/2 marathon momma

                               

                                            I have decided to start training for a 1/2 marathon.

These pics were taken after a workout, Josh my hubby is mostly responsible

A few weeks ago, I was feeling lost and directionless.  I had become goalless and so I became directionless and so exercising was taking a soft simmer on the back burner.  And then my brother-in-law, Tanner, started talking about running a half marathon. It reminded me of past goals, of how I've wanted to run a marathon or a 1/2 marathon ever since my older sister Leah did when her children were younger... probably the same age as mine.  And so, in the midst of my insane life, where running a half marathon seems the least logical thing for me to do... well, I'm being a little crazy and running a marathon, 1/2 marathon that is.  Go Me!

Just an average momma 

So, far I've been using the Hal Higdon training program and have really enjoyed it. http://www.halhigdon.com/training/51131/Half-Marathon-Novice-1-Training-Program I did have one unexpected surprise though.  I got so used to just seeing the 3, 4, or 5 mile run that I missed the words underneath... and strength training.  So, I have now combined some of my runs with a good workout DVD at home.  Jillian Michaels and Patricia Moreno are two of my favorites.  In fact, I just bought the new Yoga Inferno DVD and I am weirdly excited.  Who get's excited about intentionally hurting yourself?  Me!  It's the endorphins that pay back for the pain.

Seriously, see the endorphin pumped make-up less mamacita!

At this point, I just finished my nine mile run this weekend.  I was so proud of myself and super elated that I did it without stopping, unless you count the one time I tried to drink and run at the same time and started choking.  Not advisable.  I need to invest in a cammo pack water carrying thing so I can sip and run as needed.

This is the last leg of my long runs.  Running in Utah, AWESOME!

I'm so excited to finally run in a 1/2 marathon, this will be the 3rd time that I have started training for a 1/2 marathon and I intend to finish it when I cross that stinking finish line.

When I first began this venture, I dreamed of all the pounds I would be shedding... I mean it's about 500 calories a workout, a day, and then the long run on the weekend.  How do you not lose weight.  Well, I've done some studying and it may not be as easy as it looks.  From what I have seen, just exercise alone is not a guarantee that you will lose weight.  It's mostly about the fuel you put into your body.  Sort of like Premium gas vs. Regular unleaded... one will help you to burn more effectively than the other.  Food, in it's basic, utilitarian, non emotional element, is fuel.  So, I've been studying, looking around at what I can do.  And here are my goals for the next two weeks

the road less traveled, more or less... well Utah is full of runners and bike riders

To help myself, I calculated my BMR (how many calories my body needs just to lay around all day) and AMR (how many calories I can eat without gaining any weight because of how active my life is, not including exercise) and know that I can eat between 1350 (BMR)-1600 (AMR) calories a day, plus any extra calories that I burn off in a workout.  So, if I burn off 500 calories I can then eat 1800-2100 calories that day.  I definitely know that I shouldn't go under 1200 calories a day after I subtract the calories that I already burned.  So, if I do a 9 mile run and burn 900 calories I should eat at least 2100 calories that day (2200-900= 1200... there are some diets that go under the 1200 calorie mark but they should never be done for long periods of time and if you do them, you need a plan for the end of the diet.  Going off it without having a healthy way of eating or exercise to replace the diet, you probably will gain back all that you lost.
http://bwsimulator.niddk.nih.gov/
(AMR I found in Jillian Michael's book Slim For Life:  My Insider Secrets....)
With that in mind

1.  I will drink H20 before every meal and sometimes even after
2.  I will avoid sugar and Soda Pop
3.  I will count my calories
4.  I will eat grains like quinoa and oatmeal and do my best to avoid pastas and bread
5.  I will have a little protein with every meal or snack
6.  Fruits and Veggies are free

I think that's good for now.  I will keep studying the ins and outs.  And I will post some meals so you have an idea of what I'm doing.  This really is an experiment of sorts for me, figuring out what will or won't work

Confessions of the Day

I went to Oregon for a weekend to celebrate with my sister on her wedding day.  It was beautiful.  It was awesome.  But MAAAN the food was so heavy, but delicious.  Maybe it was the Fast Food on the way there and back that made everything seem heavier.  When I came back, my schedule felt so off kilter and my body was feeling heavyish from all the food... I mean, I tried to eat the wedding cake, but it was so sugary I couldn't.   Which is funny, because I could eat the chocolate covered strawberries and the cream puffs (especially if I put a homegrown blueberry inside of it).  Delicious.  I have to admit, when I came home I felt a little depressed, a little directionless.  I knew I needed to start exercising again (it's so hard to keep up the routine when you're on vacation, I mean I did go on one killer walk with my sisters and my brother in law Frank... a walk that made strange muscles on my legs, really, really sore... more importantly though, I loved having a good conversation with them).  I will also admit that by Tuesday, I was feeling so out of sorts, I tried to devour a bag of Peppermint Patties (I failed, too much sugar again, but I made on valiant effort :)... and I thought... I might was well start my diet back up before things go too out of hand.
By last Saturday, I just needed to have a run, up in the Canyon... it's so beautiful up there.  It was awesome! The next day, my back hurt, really, really bad,  I have an old back injury, were the padding between my spinal chords likes to squish out, causing all sorts of pain.  My solution.  Yoga and rest.  It's better now.  But not perfect yet.  I also, made the goal to start exercising earlier in the morning.   I told Josh before going to bed about my plans.  That morning, and the next and the next my kids either woke up earlier or didn't sleep all night.  Last night, I told Josh I wasn't going to wake up earlier to work out.  The kiddoes slept in and slept all night.  Unfortunately, so did I.  I was trying to trick the fates or my kids, but in the end I couldn't convince myself to wake up.  I'm not giving up yet though, I realize now that I have to be stealthy about it.
Later in the week, I had some sort of crash, I'm not sure what it was.  But my body felt like lead.  My brain felt dizzy and foggy, I went off the diet to make sure I was getting enough food.  Nothing changed.  I bought some Dr.  Christopher Herbs and I started feeling better, it was a detox for the liver and improvement for brain function herb collaboration.... exercise is back on the table.

I am choosing to share these struggles with you because I know nothing runs perfectly.  I have ideals and I work for them, loving myself inside out... but I also have days where it's just poopy, and devouring a bag of peppermint patties seems like a good way to enhance the joy of my pity party... I'm not perfect.   I don't love myself every day.  But I strive to.  And I strive to live in a way that will enhance my health and my joy inside and out.

As I said, I went back on the Get Fit For Life Program. And I'm losing weight. 5lbs in one week.  While I was off of it, I lost 6 more pounds and was enjoying running (about 1 month).  Why is this important?  Not because I'm getting skinnier or healthier.  I am glad to be healthier.  It's nice to see a thinner me (although imperfect still).  But mostly, it's empowering to make and achieve healthy goals.  I am also NOT starving myself at all.  I have 4-6 medi fast meals (|I know it's more than the recommended amount but I'm not going to starve myself, if I'm seriously hungry I am going to eat)  and two healthy meals with lots of veggies and a lean (or as close to lean) meat.  I feel good on this diet, eating in this modified way.

P.S.  If I was talking just about family and what an amazing event my sister's wedding was, this conversations would have been completely different.  But here, I'm talking about health, thus food. :)