Last week I went to bed with a cold. Just a sore throat. I tried to keep my cool, tried to keep the fear under control. Would this sore throat turn into something worse? Would I be able to run and finish my 1/2 marathon without succumbing to bronchitis, pnuemonia or asthma?
I know, I know. It sounds a little melodramatic right? A little cold isn't going destroy everything. Unfortunately, I do have a history of developing bronchitis and asthma from just little colds. For a while it was almost yearly. It all started my first bone chilling stay in Rexburg, Idaho. Probably from sleeping next to a breezy, moldy window I captured a cold, a nice hacking cough in my lungs. I insanely kept running in the frigid Alaskan like weather of Idaho despite it. Of course, I ended up in the ER. Ever since then my lungs have succumbed easily to just a casual cold.
I feel betrayed by my body. This is what I tell it:
You were right there! Just weeks away from achieving your goal! What happened? Is this sabotage? Is this stemming from some inner demon, some childhood insecurity coming back to tell me, "You'll never be good enough. You'll never truly achieve greatness. Really? Is this how it's going to go down?" Is my fear of failing creating the perfect storm of bodily sabotage?
I've been trying to coax and talk to the little girl inside of me into believing that everything is ok. That there really isn't anything to prove other than crossing the finish line. No time or pain requirements, just cross that line. Nobody expects anything out of me in this race, it's ok. You're safe.
And then I wonder if it's because of the mounds of stress I feel buried under right now?
A husband who is sick and going to school full time, no family income and I need to find a part time job to support our family.... and then all the emotional traumatizing things that means to me, like not being the mother that I want to be. (Don't worry, there's more I just don't want to publicly share everything.)
I'm wanting to achieve my dreams, my goals in the midst of everything that's going wrong, so that I can know two things
1. Being Positive and having faith and hope creates little miracles
2. With God I can be powerful to make important, healthy and good life changes.
Not having everything go perfectly and according to plan won't change my faith in God, I just wanted an opportunity to cement it even more. I've never really done this before, taken on a project in a place of such desperation with determination to be positive and full of hope and faith to see if I couldn't make changes, needful changes for me and for my family. I'm not angry at God even if I don't understand. I know that there are other miracles and other tender mercies, and for some reason this is the path God has chosen for me to walk down. It must be that this path will lead me to where God wants me to be, learning things He wants me to learn. It makes me a little bit sad. But. I will trust Him. Or, I will learn to trust Him more.
Who knew that a little cold could do all of this.
PS. I ran 3 miles today, thinking I could push through it. It may have not been the best plan of attack.
What do you do to cope when things aren't going according to your plans?
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