I tried the same run again, this time without pushing a stroller or baby around. And I made it much further... maybe three miles. But this time, the sun, pavement, black top... and no vegetation... turned the run into the perfect oven. Not to mention, I believe I started the run already dehydrated (I make excellent excuses, really the number one reason, is probably 1. Lack of planning and 2. Out of shape... I mean I do have a shape, but it's not the sort of shape that allows me to run 3-4 miles without bumping into a few problems :). At one point, I thought of the people, who through-out history, have been oppressed and forced to march in death marches, in the heat, without food or water... or precious little. What is it, that allows one person to survive an ordeal like that and another to not survive? Is it more than just physical stamina? Is it emotional? Spiritual? Mental? What keeps one person going? And then another person just can't. I knew I wasn't in the same sort of situation. I wasn't going to do die. But I was wondering what I was made out of, was I the type of person that can push forward and survive... can I do more than just survive and really live, truly live life... not just exist in the shadows and in between, almost living but half way asleep, too afraid, too tired, not able to love enough to be strong enough... or is it just tenacity?
I suppose life really isn't that dramatic for a lot of us (I believe). That's not where we find our strength or weaknesses, it's more in the day to day living. It's more about the days when we wake up, and for whatever reason, everything seems a little bit more difficult and trying to move in the direction we want to move or need to move is almost painful, giving up and hiding feels so much easier. Strength is in the small choices we make... it's those small choices that lead to the bigger ones. For instance, will I have one bite of chocolate cake? Will that lead to another and another until I have made the decision to eat one whole slice, one whole cake all to myself. It just started with one bite. Or it's the difference between choosing to say something you know you'll regret... that first word, was the first choice, and takes you to that moment where you decided to say something you know you should not have... it takes you to hurting instead of healing, tearing down instead of edifying. Small choices will always lead to the bigger choices, the momentous decisions, life altering even, in their course...
The best choice we can make, is to love ourselves enough. I'm not talking about a self indulgent love, where we give ourselves what we want and when we want because we deserve it. What I'm thinking about is a love where we accept ourselves, where we are, knowing that one day we will be who, what, and where we want to be. For instance, since this is a blog about dieting and health, we may not have the body shape that we want right now, this very day. Shame comes in all body types and shapes, unfortunately. I believe, because we are ashamed, or dislike what our body looks like today, we with-hold love. We cannot accept ourselves where we are right now and so we punish ourselves, we carry guilt and shame (why?), how many of us find ourselves motivated to make a change, when we keep on hitting ourselves over the head with our deficiencies. My thought is... I may not look and feel how I want to right now, but that's okay, I am still worth loving. But this goes far beyond just how our bodies look. What about that nasty temper? Manipulation? Not validating others enough (we all need a 3-1 ratio, 3 positive things to 1 negative everyday). We may not be where we want to be, right now, right here, today. But we are still worth loving. We can still respect ourselves. Especially knowing that right now is transitory, it isn't permanent, we are progressing, daily, through the small choices we make to become who we desire to become. List the things you love about yourself. There is no need for guilt or shame. Right now, I'm not perfect, tomorrow I might not be either, but I'm going to work at loving myself and loving others. So, that one choice, one act at a time, I become who I want to become inside and out.
What I'm made of and what I love about myself
1. I'm a fighter... I have my days when giving in feels better then fighting... but, I still fight, even if it's imperfectly, I still push forward the best I can
2. I love laughing and making others laugh
3. I'm a budding brilliant cook (one day, it will be gourmet and not overflowing cake in the oven)
4. I'm patriotic and I love freedom
5. I'm passionate
6. I love being a mother. LOVE, being a mother
7. I am creative and love exploring art, music, dance... anything beautiful
8. I love nature, being a part of nature, whether that is exercising or gardening.
9. I recognize my weaknesses, and while sometimes they can be overwhelming, I try not to allow them to overcome me(they don't own me), I will overcome them, through the help of the Savior and make weaknesses into strengths
10. I love and I love to love, if I could I would heal the world with love.
These are the things that I will become (I will write it in the present tense)
1. I know how to let go of the hurt others cause me, they probably didn't intend it and if they did I won't let them one by giving into it. Why allow them to dictate how I feel and what I think about myself?
2. I live every day fully and without fear
3. I trust God and His ability to lead me
4. I have confidence in myself and my ability to accomplish the impossible, especially with God's help.
5. I know that my relationships are more important than being right or justified in my anger
6. I know self control is healthier than indulgence in all aspects of my life
7. I do not punish myself for my weaknesses, inabilities, or imperfections
8. I have learned the balance of getting things done, being a mother, and being a friend
9. I am scrupulously clean
10. I allow others and things to be as they are, knowing that I can't make all the decisions and control everything for everyone. I am flexible with imperfect outcomes.
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