Discouragement

I'll be your super hero mom

As you know, I developed a cold. I'm still taking it easy because of it.  I can't tell you how discouraging it was for me to face that old enemy.  It's stopped my exercise regimen before and it always takes months if not years to get back on track (years when the cold corresponds with pregnancy and child rearing).  In the middle of all that, I hurt my back.  I'm not sure how.  I didn't do anything extreme.  I did some light workouts to see if I could, and because they were light I didn't make sure to do a good solid stretch.  And, by Saturday, I was on a self diagnosed bed rest.  I was so afraid that if I hurt my back seriously (I mean it hurt, but I could move around, just not any fast movements, bending or lifting) I would end up immobile in bed or crawling around on the floor in pain.  I know it sounds dramatic but that's what happened the other two times I hurt myself and I had young babies to take care of.  There isn't much worse than being a mom that can't take care of her children.  I also, probably, made it worse by only applying heat to it.  I should have, at the very least, been icing it and heating it to bring the inflammation down.  Well, now I know.

such a heavy load

It was a hard struggle.  Not running or exercising or cleaning or being a mom and just laying about sucked.  I have anxiety and ADD, exercise is one of my main coping mechanisms.  I need it.  I had to work around my fears, and do a lot of self talk, reminding myself that it's when I'm down that all the positive thoughts and ideals really matter.  I will admit I let things go a bit.  I ate what I wanted, all the while reminding myself of the damage I was doing.  I didn't hate myself for it, but I was frustrated and depressed and feebly tried to emotionally push myself to something more positive.  By Tuesday, I was ready to get back on track (although, it's taken me a few more days to actually make it happen).  I went to my visceral massage appointment, which released so much of my inner tension and my therapist encouraged me to go ahead and exercise... so, of course, that night I'm doing yoga... nothing strenuous but fun.  It perked me right up.  And it didn't hurt more, it didn't feel better per se, but it didn't make things worse.  So, that's a go for me.  I've been slowly adding more, I mean it's just Wednesday so I'm not racing out the door yet but I' moving in the direction I want to be.  My goal is to run in the 1/2 marathon.  Or walk.  Or crawl.  But, I'm doing it and I'm getting the T-shirt that comes with it.
If I could leave a message with you, just remember that it's ok.  It's ok to struggle and it's ok if things get dark, just try to remind yourself of  the positive, ... like the mantras I wrote the other day
1.  I am strong
2.  I have the ability to make positive life changes
3.  I am of infinite worth
(there were more, but I don't want to repeat ALL of them again.)

Do your best and never, ever give up because you are worth it.

What do you do when you find yourself in a funk?  How do you dig your way out?

Letting Go and finding who I am

Love this for some good stress release, healing my muscles, and awesome flexibility

So, I've decided that I just need to let go.  I'm not giving up, but I'm letting go of the anxiety that I feel about things in my life right now.  I will run in the 1/2 marathon if my lungs are clear, even if that means I don't run at all from now until then.  But, I'm not going to worry about it.  If I don't run this 1/2 I will run another one in the spring.  In the meantime, I will allow my body to heal and focus on walking and doing my stress release yoga and my flexibility yoga.  I'll do my best to eat healthy and allow my body to take the time it needs to heal.  

I will repeat some healthy affirmative mantras daily

1.  I am a strong woman
2.  I am able to make positive life changes
3.  I am healthy in body, mind and spirit
4.  I am powerful to make the changes that I can and let go of the stress of the ones that I can't
5.  I am a positive force in my children's lives, my husband's life, in the lives of those around me, and in my own.
6.  I am capable of organizing and using my time effectively
7.  I am powerful and able to take care of my needs, my husband's needs and my children's needs whether that is emotional, physical, monetary, or spiritual.
8.  I am beautiful inside and out and worthy of positive attention and energy in this life. (love, peace, healing, and respect)

Health isn't just the food we eat or exercising for miles and miles.  It's also how we feel about ourselves and our ability to allow positive energy like love and respect, for ourselves and others, into our lives and then let the negative energies like doubt and fear and shame out of our lives.  Negative destroys.  Positive creates and builds up, why spend life wallowing in the negative?

A girl can develop a cold and worse.

Last week I went to bed with a cold.  Just a sore throat.  I tried to keep my cool, tried to keep the fear under control.  Would this sore throat turn into something worse? Would I be able to run and finish my 1/2 marathon without succumbing to bronchitis, pnuemonia or asthma?

I know, I know.  It sounds a little melodramatic right?  A little cold isn't going destroy everything. Unfortunately, I do have a history of developing bronchitis and asthma from just little colds.  For a while it was almost yearly.   It all started my first bone chilling stay in Rexburg, Idaho.   Probably from sleeping next to a breezy, moldy window I captured a cold, a nice hacking cough in my lungs.  I insanely kept running in the frigid Alaskan like weather of Idaho despite it.  Of course, I ended up in the ER.  Ever since then my lungs have succumbed easily to just a casual cold.

I feel betrayed by my body. This is what I tell it:

You were right there!  Just weeks away from achieving your goal!  What happened?  Is this sabotage?  Is this stemming from some inner demon, some childhood insecurity coming back to tell me, "You'll never be good enough.  You'll never truly achieve greatness.  Really?  Is this how it's going to go down?"  Is my fear of failing creating the perfect storm of bodily sabotage?
I've been trying to coax and talk to the little girl inside of me into believing that everything is ok.  That there really isn't anything to prove other than crossing the finish line.  No time or pain requirements, just cross that line.  Nobody expects anything out of me in this race, it's ok.  You're safe.

And then I wonder if it's because of the mounds of stress I feel buried under right now?

A husband who is sick and going to school full time, no family income and I need to find a part time job to support our family.... and then all the emotional traumatizing things that means to me, like not being the mother that I want to be.  (Don't worry, there's more I just don't want to publicly share everything.)
I'm wanting to achieve my dreams, my goals in the midst of everything that's going wrong, so that I can know two things

1.  Being Positive and having faith and hope creates little miracles
2.  With God I can be powerful to make important, healthy and good life changes.

Not having everything go perfectly and according to plan won't change my faith in God, I just wanted an opportunity to cement it even more.  I've never really done this before, taken on a project  in a place of such desperation with determination to be positive and full of hope and faith to see if I couldn't make changes, needful changes for me and for my family.  I'm not angry at God even if I don't understand.  I know that there are other miracles and other tender mercies, and for some reason this is the path God has chosen for me to walk down. It must be that this path will lead me to where God wants me to be, learning things He wants me to learn.  It makes me a little bit sad.  But.  I will trust Him.  Or, I will learn to trust Him more.

Who knew that a little cold could do all of this.

PS.  I ran 3 miles today, thinking I could push through it.  It may have not been the best plan of attack.

What do you do to cope when things aren't going according to your plans?

Progress

 The other day, I was feeling frustrated with my weight loss.  I hit a plateau... I ran 9 miles, burning 900 calories and didn't lose a pound.   I admit, it was discouraging.  And I allowed dissatisfaction and depression to settle in.  And then, I came across these pictures, more particularly the pictures from Alaska, and it hit me, how far I had come.  My body is not perfect.  It may never look exactly like I want it to (I've always wanted to look toned.)  That's okay.  What I need to remember is that I'm moving in the right direction and taking steps to be the healthiest and best me that I can be.  Instead of beating myself up because I'm in a bit of rut, I need to be kind to myself.  Loving myself, each step of the way, because I'm worth being loved no matter how much weight I've gained or lost.  AND so are you.

In Alaska, about 3 months after Aiden was born (180 lbs ish)

More than a year after Aiden was born 175-178 lbs

160-165 lbs around the same time

160-165 lbs a few months later

about 150lbs about 2 months later

about 150lbs... ditto

Be Generous

BE GENEROUS WITH YOURSELF, AS GENEROUS AS YOU WOULD BE TO YOUR BEST                                                                               FRIEND.


I totally failed with the Calorie count.  For a few days I ate too little (something to cry about right? :)  I was eating healthy, but by the time I finished exercising at night I would need to eat at least 1,200 to 1,500 calories just to be around 1,300-1,500 calories a day.  Not healthy.  I must admit though, it's emotionally nice to be on this side of the battle. When I was in High School and my first year of college, I counted calories for school health projects, they both turned into disasters.

It's sad how distorted your view of yourself can be.  This was college, when I was so sure I was overweight.

I would feel guilty for eating something and then I would emotionally beat myself up and eat more.  I used food as punishment, to establish that I really wasn't worth it.  Here eat another donut.  You deserve the extra five pounds and the sick feeling in your stomach that unhealthy food gives you (it really does, too much sugar and starch make my body feel bleh.)

BUT  I am not that person anymore.  I may have small relapses... days where my demons come back to haunt me, but I've learned a better way and how to let them go.  I do my best to take the emotion and shame out of my food crimes.  Just take a deep breath and let it go.  And if I can't quit get there that day, then I make goals for the next day, and the next, and next.  I try to never give up on myself.  I will do better the next day.  Shame and self loathing are destructive and crippling.  Destroying the best in you will never create motivation to change for the better.  Be generous with yourself, as generous as you would be to your best friend.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:  Friday, I took a turn for the worse.  I did a serious no, no.  I worked out and then took off to get Asher and run a few errands... and I didn't bring any healthy snacks with me to make sure I was okay.  By the end of it all, three hours later, my blood sugar had seriously dropped.  I was ready for the pizza and cookies that I bought for the BYU football party we were going to have.  I think I still managed to be near my caloric intake goal... but it wasn't healthy.  But it was so good.  Warm and filling for a starving body.  It was going to be my one splurge day of the week... that's my goal, just one day during the week were I can splurge a little at dinner time.  Well, I failed.  I've had at least 2 splurge nights since I began with these new goals.  But I'm okay with it.  My idea is, that I'm practicing.  Just like I practice to run a few miles effectively, I'm practicing how to eat healthy, and I'm balancing the amount of calories my body really needs.  And, like I said up above.  It's okay.  Try to do better next time, but don't beat yourself up about it... the more you practice the better you'll get at it.

see, one day, he'll know how to play football.  It's baby steps.  It's practicing and balancing until you can learn and apply.