Long Walk

I took a long walk with my boys today.  Asher walked almost the whole 3.5 miles.  Isaac, had little to no motivation so he sat in the wagon I was pulling around and ate his peanut butter and honey sandwich.  And Aiden was trying really hard to be a mini Asher... but his little 2 year old body isn't cut out for it.  I, I got a bad sunburn.  Of course, I didn't have a camera... mine has gone through at least a few years of heavy duty use... it's become fragile and cumbersome... and if I'm honest, I lose the important parts of it like the battery charger or the memory cards all the time.  I probably shouldn't try to excuse myself too much.  I need to bring my camera so I can capture all the little moments... good and bad.  I want to start making this a part of our daily life.... or as daily as possible.  It's time to get a better bike for Asher, fix up my stroller and just head up into the beautiful Hobble Creek Canyon to spend an afternoon making memories!  Eventually, maybe we'll all ride bikes up there... but the streets are busy enough to be scary and I'm just going to take it one boy at a time learning how to be safe on the road!  It's possible in another life I was a chicken... or maybe it's just the sane mother in me wanting to keep some sort of control over her children's safety.


Yesterday, I was near breakdown mode.  I ran out of my vitamins I'm using to treat the depression and anxiety.  It was awful feeling so dark and black... knowing it was a mere chemical imbalance... but it didn't change how my body and mind felt.  I made myself do some yoga.  Which, strangely, the immediate effect was that I wanted to cry.  Or write.  I've always wanted to write in the midst of my crashes... thinking it would be therapeutic for me and for others to know they aren't alone.  But.  It's so not easy to share yourself when you are at your worst.  Especially since, I don't want sympathy.  I don't want to come off as someone who is deeply pessimistic, who only sees the dark side of things (but let's be honest, in the middle of depression you're world changes colors... light for obscurity).  Well, I'm not sure if it was the Vitamin Bs (Solaray Mega B-Stress, taken morning and night) my mom asked me to take while I wait for my other vitamins or if it was the yoga, or something else... but today, I felt so much better!  It's like stepping into the light.  It's so much easier to participate in life and get outside and exercise and I'm so happy I was able to do it with my little loves... like I said, I just wish I could have taken a picture of it.

Also, I love working out with Jillian... I've had other workouts that I felt made a difference... but nothing has been as effective as winning it with the Biggest Looser star!  I'm going to hurt tomorrow!

Reboot

You may or may not have noticed the lack of posts these past few... has it been weeks? The reason?  I'm not sure why.  But I did have a small depressive crash.  It was just a few days, but it was enough to throw my groove off.  I was able to keep up with getting ready for my 1/2 marathon... yay!  But eating like I wanted to went out the window of my speeding semi truck of self indulgence.  My easy lapse made it difficult to want to hold myself accountable here on the internet.  But I've chosen public accountability so that I could be some sort of example.  The kind of example that falls down, makes mistakes and then tries to get back up again.  If you're coming here to see Mrs. Perfection, she is not here.

But I've always thought that's what makes us impressive as humans; falling down and getting back up again, trying to do the best thing.  I'll tell you what though.  It isn't easy.  It's so easy to feel ashamed, to feel like you've already made a mistake so why not go whole hog (ie:  I just ate one piece of candy so now I might as well eat the whole bag, although I'm sure there are other examples we could use).

What I struggled with the most... hmmm... most.... as I write it, I start thinking about everything else that fits under the category of most, biggest, darkest struggles and, okay... it's not the most... but it's one of those battles that just keeps coming back at ya, and sometimes you can look it square in the face and say... you've already been won and other times you just want to cry out, why????

It's so difficult, I believe, as women, to settle the messages that the media sends us.  On one hand we see beautifully sculpted (often photo-shopped) women, and we've been conditioned to believe that this is what a truly beautiful woman looks like and if you don't look the same... well.... you're part of a different party (that still rocks!)

Then we have the other camp who wants us to embrace ourselves as we are.  Love ourselves in the skin we are in, no matter how big or small.  And I agree.  

But it turns into an internal battle when I look in the mirror and don't see what I want to see or I weigh myself and I haven't lost the weight I've wanted to.  Working as hard as I feel I'm working, I want to see results.  Heck!  I wanted to see results after my first day back running... but to go day after day and not see what I want to see change. It's irritating and depressing.

And then I feel guilt.  I shouldn't have eaten what I ate.  Ugh.  I should just love myself the way that I am.  What's really important is to just be healthy and love yourself no matter what shape or form your body is in.  Just love yourself.

BUT

 I just want to rock in my body made of steel and be as light as a feather.  And then I'll forgive myself.

Hello, impossible.  

I don't expect myself to ever be perfect, but I have my own ideal of how I want my body to be.  And it's not there.  I would like to believe that that ideal isn't shaped by society/the media... but I think I would by lying to myself if I did.   But while I may have been trained to believe things about my body and perfection... I believe that I'm choosing my own path... I will never look like a photo-shopped model... or even a true un-photo-shopped model.  And I'm okay with that.   I just want to be the best that I see in myself.  And when I'm not there, there's a battle.  A battle between wanting to be there and just loving me and the skin that I"m in.

Always, the best thing is just to love and forgive.

So, here's to loving ourselves, others and God (I believe you need all three to be truly happy).

And here to always, always getting back up again, dusting yourself of and learning from your mistakes.  Let go and love yourself. Shame destroys and is one of the worst motivators you can find... so, let it go.  There, there's the pep talk I'm giving myself and anyone else who wants it.

Here's to the reboot.  Adding one new healthy habit at a time.

Don't Spit in the Wind

This morning I actually woke up early (earlier, is more exact) and went running.  It was cold and the wind was still rushing out of the canyon as fast as it could, while I was running into the canyon as fast as I could.   The wind was faster, of course.   Running into the wind is like running with a C-Pap machine while having someone push you backwards....so, you get good oxygen, but man do you have to fight.   For some reason, running into the wind reminded me of this song...

"You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't spit in the wind.  You don't pull the mask of the old Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Jim!"

May I add, you don't run into the wind?  And may the wind always be at your back.  Such an excellent saying (Irish right?).  It was kinda fun though, having this song stuck in my head while I was running back home and I had the wind at my back.  Altogether it wasn't horrible, in fact it was a pleasant run.  I felt strong and healthy.  And I got to try out my new shoes.  Saucony Progrid.  My last pair was Saucony Kinvara.  I actually love both of them, they're light and airy but give the support that my legs and feet need.
And, no.  I'm not being paid to write it.

Also, I've been happy with my eating... there have been a few nights when ALL I've wanted was chocolate or a gooey warm cookie (chocolate chip) and I think I deserved it.... bed time is so full of drama it could be a soap opera.  I won't go into details but if someone doesn't cry at one point (usually brushing their teeth) and someone doesn't get out of bed multiple times or climb into bed with someone else and start sword fighting with their 'light sabers'.... well then it's a good night for me and a bunch of worn out boys too tired for resistance.   Any other night that does happen, is normal... and I deserve that cookie!  But, I resisted.  Yeah me!  I really wish yeah, was spelled yay... it makes more sense, but that's the English language for you.

Making changes

As you all know I struggle with anxiety and depression and my husband, Josh, has Chronic Fatigue.  So, we are trying to mix things up again in another effort to be healthier.   My goal is to eat less processed foods, more fruits and vegetables, and less sugar... a lot less sugar (besides having a negative effect on my depression, it also hurts my stomach).  We need to change things up a bit because if you keep on doing what you've been doing, you keep getting the same results.  While sometimes that's comfortable because it's what you know, you have to decide if the results are what you really want.   IF they aren't then it's probably time to switch things up and even  sacrifice so that you can have something better.  I'll tell you what though.   It isn't easy.   These ideas have been in the works for a LONG time.   Ideas like... let's go to bed before 12 am sometime.... we're still working at it.   (I know, I know, you're probably thinking, of course he's tired all the time, because you never get good sleep... and while it's partly true, it's not the 'cure' to Chronic Fatigue). Habits can be hard to kick.  But, I'm not giving up the fight.   I can see how much better my life would be if we could just shift things, just a little, things would be better.   And I want better.  I'm willing to fight for it.

So, here are some websites I'm going to use to see if I can't help my husband to eat healthier.

Some of these recipes look delish!
http://www.momswhothink.com/healthy-recipes/healthy-recipes.html



This website, is more for what foods I can freeze well, so I can make it healthy and freeze it so Josh has an easy way to grab a lunch to take with him when he goes to school or work.
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2013/07/freezer-cooking/


This is just for knowing what I can freeze and what I can't.
http://www.favoritefreezerfoods.com/foods-that-can-freeze-well.html

I also have a recipe book for runners who are trying to lose weight and eat healthy.

I'll try to do better at sharing recipes and ideas as go along in my journey.

Bollywood Dance

Today, I couldn't run so I found a fun Bollywood Dance workout on Amazon Prime.   I couldn't help but laugh at myself pretty much the whole time.   I loved it.  I loved it even though I knew I looked ridiculous.  I loved it even though I knew, that right now, right here... I won't look like the dancers on the video.   It didn't matter.  I just wanted to have fun and get a good workout.   And it was fun. And with the combination of yesterday's and today's workout... I have some sore muscles.  Which I'm complaining about too much.... but it's the kind of complaining where I'm really not sad.  Secretly I'm happy.   Because sore muscles means I'm building strength in my body.   Strength in my body means I can do more with my body and burn more calories just living each day. It also means I did something difficult and I survived.   Mostly.



It's kinda funny, to me, but the Bollywood type of dancing actually reminds me a little bit of Swing dancing. Where a 'normal person' might take one step, Bollywood and Swing you can take 3 super fast, super bouncy steps in one step... as in, triple step, triple step rock back.  It's exhilarating... but then, in the Bollywood dance not only are you taking lots of quick bouncy steps your sexily swaying your hips and bouncing your shoulders all while looking like a light stepping gazelle... graceful and smooth.  I looked like someone who had lost their battle against gravity and each light footed bounce took whole body exertion.... I may be exaggerating... but only a little... there definitely was a one legged hop, with three bounces where I looked like the above description.... ah, to be a light footed dancer.

This is the part of video where I looked the MOST silly.   But, man, was it fun!

ps...I don't own any rights to these videos.... I think I'm supposed to say something more.  I will take them down if I'm doing something illegal by sharing them.

And I will.

Today, I finally went running.  Just two miles and then a half hour workout with Jillian Michaels.  You can always count on Jillian's workouts to be effective.  And I need effective.  I'm running a 1/2 marathon in about 2 months and I'm nervous about it... I'm not sure I'll be ready like I want to be which makes me feel a bit sad.  Hopefully, I can do another one at the end of the summer so I can feel good and strong when I run.   My end goal isn't just to finish a 1/2 marathon, I want to be the kind of person who runs 1/2 marathons... and maybe... maybe a full marathon sometime, although a triathlon sounds more appealing to me than a marathon, at least there's variety in what you're doing for a really long time.
I should think about that and about what I would need to do to be able to finish a triathlon.  So, often I think about all the reasons I can't do something, I'm tired of being that kind of person.  I would rather silence all those I can'ts... find a way to do it and then do it.  

I can and I will....

Have you ever noticed how often God uses I will in the scriptures.  All the time.  He doesn't dither around... He uses positive words like will and shall, no maybes or can'ts, just wills and shalls.

So, I should change the wording above to express something more positive.

I will be ready to run my first 1/2 marathon of this year, and I will do even better in my second 1/2 marathon this year.

And

I will run a triathlon and figure out all the things I need to do to prepare for it.

That's better.

Let's try this.  I need to change.   Do you want to help keep me responsible?

I will wake up early enough to exercise in the morning so that I will be more effective during my day and have a cleaner home and enjoy my time with my kids.   I will.  

Which means that I will go to bed early, so I can wake up early.  

I will also forgive myself if I'm not perfect, but I will not give up the good fight and  quit working towards my goals.  

Nice.   I feel good about that.  :)

I think I need to get some post it notes and write... I will on ALL of them and then post my mirrors, walls, refrigerator, and pantry with them.   That should be an effective reminder.  :)

Another Mile or Two

I am full of intentions and unrequited expectations.

It's hard to admit your weaknesses, to others, to yourself, to a silent piece of paper posted to your blog for all the world to see.

I don't know if any good will come of it, but I'm sharing in the hopes that I help others to feel less alone; believing that in solidarity, maybe there will be strength.

After my first 1/2 marathon, I crashed... mentally and emotionally speaking.... a depressive crash.  Interesting that we use the word crash to describe it.... a plummeting motion that leaves you feeling mentally and emotionally impacted, like a physical crash would.  The running really was serving as medication to my depression and anxiety and when I stopped, it was almost like experiencing what it feels like when you stop taking your anti-depressants.

I had some really dark moments this winter.  I've been working at getting to a better place, I'm taking some vitamins from True Hope and have found some relief from the depression and anxiety.  I've done some visceral massage, which alleviates the symptoms for a bit... but what I really need is to run again... on a more consistent basis.  For me, running isn't just about being skinnier or burning a enough calories to eat whatever I want... although, those things are enticing.  I just need a reprieve from the heaviness weighing on my mind.

Today, I tried to go for a run.  But, I couldn't.  I started crying instead and had to just walk.   I had started getting into a routine, but these last two weeks I've 'lost' my running mojo and have found myself buried neck deep in silly books.  As if I'm trying to escape life again like I did as a child, sometimes imaginary living is so much easier.   But running today made me face all those things that I had been hiding from. It was like it just spilled out of my chest and couldn't be contained,  and so I cried.  The last time I remember really crying while I was running, I mean really stop you in your tracks crying, was during a cross country race after one of my friends had died.  I don't know if I'm emotionally in the same place that I was on that day so long ago, but there are enough worries on my mind that it weighed me down today.   Part of me felt like it might be a gift to release my pent up emotions, even when I don't really see any immediate solutions to my problems.

When I knew I couldn't cry anymore I started singing... which made me feel a tiny bit grateful for High School Choir and the smidgen of songs I still remembered.   And it made me smile to remember how often my friends told me I would die in the woods singing, because some bear would think I was a dying animal and would come to investigate.  Singing out loud also made me fill a bit silly, which  made me laugh at myself... and when a woman came rushing out of the canyon on her bike, belting out Spanish songs, I felt a connection and spoke out loud, "Que te vayas bien, cantando."  Being in the canyon, walking and running, singing out loud helped to heal my soul.  I just hope that I can find the strength I need to find an eventual resolution... or at least the strength to carry it all another mile or two.