Reboot

You may or may not have noticed the lack of posts these past few... has it been weeks? The reason?  I'm not sure why.  But I did have a small depressive crash.  It was just a few days, but it was enough to throw my groove off.  I was able to keep up with getting ready for my 1/2 marathon... yay!  But eating like I wanted to went out the window of my speeding semi truck of self indulgence.  My easy lapse made it difficult to want to hold myself accountable here on the internet.  But I've chosen public accountability so that I could be some sort of example.  The kind of example that falls down, makes mistakes and then tries to get back up again.  If you're coming here to see Mrs. Perfection, she is not here.

But I've always thought that's what makes us impressive as humans; falling down and getting back up again, trying to do the best thing.  I'll tell you what though.  It isn't easy.  It's so easy to feel ashamed, to feel like you've already made a mistake so why not go whole hog (ie:  I just ate one piece of candy so now I might as well eat the whole bag, although I'm sure there are other examples we could use).

What I struggled with the most... hmmm... most.... as I write it, I start thinking about everything else that fits under the category of most, biggest, darkest struggles and, okay... it's not the most... but it's one of those battles that just keeps coming back at ya, and sometimes you can look it square in the face and say... you've already been won and other times you just want to cry out, why????

It's so difficult, I believe, as women, to settle the messages that the media sends us.  On one hand we see beautifully sculpted (often photo-shopped) women, and we've been conditioned to believe that this is what a truly beautiful woman looks like and if you don't look the same... well.... you're part of a different party (that still rocks!)

Then we have the other camp who wants us to embrace ourselves as we are.  Love ourselves in the skin we are in, no matter how big or small.  And I agree.  

But it turns into an internal battle when I look in the mirror and don't see what I want to see or I weigh myself and I haven't lost the weight I've wanted to.  Working as hard as I feel I'm working, I want to see results.  Heck!  I wanted to see results after my first day back running... but to go day after day and not see what I want to see change. It's irritating and depressing.

And then I feel guilt.  I shouldn't have eaten what I ate.  Ugh.  I should just love myself the way that I am.  What's really important is to just be healthy and love yourself no matter what shape or form your body is in.  Just love yourself.

BUT

 I just want to rock in my body made of steel and be as light as a feather.  And then I'll forgive myself.

Hello, impossible.  

I don't expect myself to ever be perfect, but I have my own ideal of how I want my body to be.  And it's not there.  I would like to believe that that ideal isn't shaped by society/the media... but I think I would by lying to myself if I did.   But while I may have been trained to believe things about my body and perfection... I believe that I'm choosing my own path... I will never look like a photo-shopped model... or even a true un-photo-shopped model.  And I'm okay with that.   I just want to be the best that I see in myself.  And when I'm not there, there's a battle.  A battle between wanting to be there and just loving me and the skin that I"m in.

Always, the best thing is just to love and forgive.

So, here's to loving ourselves, others and God (I believe you need all three to be truly happy).

And here to always, always getting back up again, dusting yourself of and learning from your mistakes.  Let go and love yourself. Shame destroys and is one of the worst motivators you can find... so, let it go.  There, there's the pep talk I'm giving myself and anyone else who wants it.

Here's to the reboot.  Adding one new healthy habit at a time.