Reboot

You may or may not have noticed the lack of posts these past few... has it been weeks? The reason?  I'm not sure why.  But I did have a small depressive crash.  It was just a few days, but it was enough to throw my groove off.  I was able to keep up with getting ready for my 1/2 marathon... yay!  But eating like I wanted to went out the window of my speeding semi truck of self indulgence.  My easy lapse made it difficult to want to hold myself accountable here on the internet.  But I've chosen public accountability so that I could be some sort of example.  The kind of example that falls down, makes mistakes and then tries to get back up again.  If you're coming here to see Mrs. Perfection, she is not here.

But I've always thought that's what makes us impressive as humans; falling down and getting back up again, trying to do the best thing.  I'll tell you what though.  It isn't easy.  It's so easy to feel ashamed, to feel like you've already made a mistake so why not go whole hog (ie:  I just ate one piece of candy so now I might as well eat the whole bag, although I'm sure there are other examples we could use).

What I struggled with the most... hmmm... most.... as I write it, I start thinking about everything else that fits under the category of most, biggest, darkest struggles and, okay... it's not the most... but it's one of those battles that just keeps coming back at ya, and sometimes you can look it square in the face and say... you've already been won and other times you just want to cry out, why????

It's so difficult, I believe, as women, to settle the messages that the media sends us.  On one hand we see beautifully sculpted (often photo-shopped) women, and we've been conditioned to believe that this is what a truly beautiful woman looks like and if you don't look the same... well.... you're part of a different party (that still rocks!)

Then we have the other camp who wants us to embrace ourselves as we are.  Love ourselves in the skin we are in, no matter how big or small.  And I agree.  

But it turns into an internal battle when I look in the mirror and don't see what I want to see or I weigh myself and I haven't lost the weight I've wanted to.  Working as hard as I feel I'm working, I want to see results.  Heck!  I wanted to see results after my first day back running... but to go day after day and not see what I want to see change. It's irritating and depressing.

And then I feel guilt.  I shouldn't have eaten what I ate.  Ugh.  I should just love myself the way that I am.  What's really important is to just be healthy and love yourself no matter what shape or form your body is in.  Just love yourself.

BUT

 I just want to rock in my body made of steel and be as light as a feather.  And then I'll forgive myself.

Hello, impossible.  

I don't expect myself to ever be perfect, but I have my own ideal of how I want my body to be.  And it's not there.  I would like to believe that that ideal isn't shaped by society/the media... but I think I would by lying to myself if I did.   But while I may have been trained to believe things about my body and perfection... I believe that I'm choosing my own path... I will never look like a photo-shopped model... or even a true un-photo-shopped model.  And I'm okay with that.   I just want to be the best that I see in myself.  And when I'm not there, there's a battle.  A battle between wanting to be there and just loving me and the skin that I"m in.

Always, the best thing is just to love and forgive.

So, here's to loving ourselves, others and God (I believe you need all three to be truly happy).

And here to always, always getting back up again, dusting yourself of and learning from your mistakes.  Let go and love yourself. Shame destroys and is one of the worst motivators you can find... so, let it go.  There, there's the pep talk I'm giving myself and anyone else who wants it.

Here's to the reboot.  Adding one new healthy habit at a time.

Don't Spit in the Wind

This morning I actually woke up early (earlier, is more exact) and went running.  It was cold and the wind was still rushing out of the canyon as fast as it could, while I was running into the canyon as fast as I could.   The wind was faster, of course.   Running into the wind is like running with a C-Pap machine while having someone push you backwards....so, you get good oxygen, but man do you have to fight.   For some reason, running into the wind reminded me of this song...

"You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't spit in the wind.  You don't pull the mask of the old Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Jim!"

May I add, you don't run into the wind?  And may the wind always be at your back.  Such an excellent saying (Irish right?).  It was kinda fun though, having this song stuck in my head while I was running back home and I had the wind at my back.  Altogether it wasn't horrible, in fact it was a pleasant run.  I felt strong and healthy.  And I got to try out my new shoes.  Saucony Progrid.  My last pair was Saucony Kinvara.  I actually love both of them, they're light and airy but give the support that my legs and feet need.
And, no.  I'm not being paid to write it.

Also, I've been happy with my eating... there have been a few nights when ALL I've wanted was chocolate or a gooey warm cookie (chocolate chip) and I think I deserved it.... bed time is so full of drama it could be a soap opera.  I won't go into details but if someone doesn't cry at one point (usually brushing their teeth) and someone doesn't get out of bed multiple times or climb into bed with someone else and start sword fighting with their 'light sabers'.... well then it's a good night for me and a bunch of worn out boys too tired for resistance.   Any other night that does happen, is normal... and I deserve that cookie!  But, I resisted.  Yeah me!  I really wish yeah, was spelled yay... it makes more sense, but that's the English language for you.

Making changes

As you all know I struggle with anxiety and depression and my husband, Josh, has Chronic Fatigue.  So, we are trying to mix things up again in another effort to be healthier.   My goal is to eat less processed foods, more fruits and vegetables, and less sugar... a lot less sugar (besides having a negative effect on my depression, it also hurts my stomach).  We need to change things up a bit because if you keep on doing what you've been doing, you keep getting the same results.  While sometimes that's comfortable because it's what you know, you have to decide if the results are what you really want.   IF they aren't then it's probably time to switch things up and even  sacrifice so that you can have something better.  I'll tell you what though.   It isn't easy.   These ideas have been in the works for a LONG time.   Ideas like... let's go to bed before 12 am sometime.... we're still working at it.   (I know, I know, you're probably thinking, of course he's tired all the time, because you never get good sleep... and while it's partly true, it's not the 'cure' to Chronic Fatigue). Habits can be hard to kick.  But, I'm not giving up the fight.   I can see how much better my life would be if we could just shift things, just a little, things would be better.   And I want better.  I'm willing to fight for it.

So, here are some websites I'm going to use to see if I can't help my husband to eat healthier.

Some of these recipes look delish!
http://www.momswhothink.com/healthy-recipes/healthy-recipes.html



This website, is more for what foods I can freeze well, so I can make it healthy and freeze it so Josh has an easy way to grab a lunch to take with him when he goes to school or work.
http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2013/07/freezer-cooking/


This is just for knowing what I can freeze and what I can't.
http://www.favoritefreezerfoods.com/foods-that-can-freeze-well.html

I also have a recipe book for runners who are trying to lose weight and eat healthy.

I'll try to do better at sharing recipes and ideas as go along in my journey.

Bollywood Dance

Today, I couldn't run so I found a fun Bollywood Dance workout on Amazon Prime.   I couldn't help but laugh at myself pretty much the whole time.   I loved it.  I loved it even though I knew I looked ridiculous.  I loved it even though I knew, that right now, right here... I won't look like the dancers on the video.   It didn't matter.  I just wanted to have fun and get a good workout.   And it was fun. And with the combination of yesterday's and today's workout... I have some sore muscles.  Which I'm complaining about too much.... but it's the kind of complaining where I'm really not sad.  Secretly I'm happy.   Because sore muscles means I'm building strength in my body.   Strength in my body means I can do more with my body and burn more calories just living each day. It also means I did something difficult and I survived.   Mostly.



It's kinda funny, to me, but the Bollywood type of dancing actually reminds me a little bit of Swing dancing. Where a 'normal person' might take one step, Bollywood and Swing you can take 3 super fast, super bouncy steps in one step... as in, triple step, triple step rock back.  It's exhilarating... but then, in the Bollywood dance not only are you taking lots of quick bouncy steps your sexily swaying your hips and bouncing your shoulders all while looking like a light stepping gazelle... graceful and smooth.  I looked like someone who had lost their battle against gravity and each light footed bounce took whole body exertion.... I may be exaggerating... but only a little... there definitely was a one legged hop, with three bounces where I looked like the above description.... ah, to be a light footed dancer.

This is the part of video where I looked the MOST silly.   But, man, was it fun!

ps...I don't own any rights to these videos.... I think I'm supposed to say something more.  I will take them down if I'm doing something illegal by sharing them.

And I will.

Today, I finally went running.  Just two miles and then a half hour workout with Jillian Michaels.  You can always count on Jillian's workouts to be effective.  And I need effective.  I'm running a 1/2 marathon in about 2 months and I'm nervous about it... I'm not sure I'll be ready like I want to be which makes me feel a bit sad.  Hopefully, I can do another one at the end of the summer so I can feel good and strong when I run.   My end goal isn't just to finish a 1/2 marathon, I want to be the kind of person who runs 1/2 marathons... and maybe... maybe a full marathon sometime, although a triathlon sounds more appealing to me than a marathon, at least there's variety in what you're doing for a really long time.
I should think about that and about what I would need to do to be able to finish a triathlon.  So, often I think about all the reasons I can't do something, I'm tired of being that kind of person.  I would rather silence all those I can'ts... find a way to do it and then do it.  

I can and I will....

Have you ever noticed how often God uses I will in the scriptures.  All the time.  He doesn't dither around... He uses positive words like will and shall, no maybes or can'ts, just wills and shalls.

So, I should change the wording above to express something more positive.

I will be ready to run my first 1/2 marathon of this year, and I will do even better in my second 1/2 marathon this year.

And

I will run a triathlon and figure out all the things I need to do to prepare for it.

That's better.

Let's try this.  I need to change.   Do you want to help keep me responsible?

I will wake up early enough to exercise in the morning so that I will be more effective during my day and have a cleaner home and enjoy my time with my kids.   I will.  

Which means that I will go to bed early, so I can wake up early.  

I will also forgive myself if I'm not perfect, but I will not give up the good fight and  quit working towards my goals.  

Nice.   I feel good about that.  :)

I think I need to get some post it notes and write... I will on ALL of them and then post my mirrors, walls, refrigerator, and pantry with them.   That should be an effective reminder.  :)

Another Mile or Two

I am full of intentions and unrequited expectations.

It's hard to admit your weaknesses, to others, to yourself, to a silent piece of paper posted to your blog for all the world to see.

I don't know if any good will come of it, but I'm sharing in the hopes that I help others to feel less alone; believing that in solidarity, maybe there will be strength.

After my first 1/2 marathon, I crashed... mentally and emotionally speaking.... a depressive crash.  Interesting that we use the word crash to describe it.... a plummeting motion that leaves you feeling mentally and emotionally impacted, like a physical crash would.  The running really was serving as medication to my depression and anxiety and when I stopped, it was almost like experiencing what it feels like when you stop taking your anti-depressants.

I had some really dark moments this winter.  I've been working at getting to a better place, I'm taking some vitamins from True Hope and have found some relief from the depression and anxiety.  I've done some visceral massage, which alleviates the symptoms for a bit... but what I really need is to run again... on a more consistent basis.  For me, running isn't just about being skinnier or burning a enough calories to eat whatever I want... although, those things are enticing.  I just need a reprieve from the heaviness weighing on my mind.

Today, I tried to go for a run.  But, I couldn't.  I started crying instead and had to just walk.   I had started getting into a routine, but these last two weeks I've 'lost' my running mojo and have found myself buried neck deep in silly books.  As if I'm trying to escape life again like I did as a child, sometimes imaginary living is so much easier.   But running today made me face all those things that I had been hiding from. It was like it just spilled out of my chest and couldn't be contained,  and so I cried.  The last time I remember really crying while I was running, I mean really stop you in your tracks crying, was during a cross country race after one of my friends had died.  I don't know if I'm emotionally in the same place that I was on that day so long ago, but there are enough worries on my mind that it weighed me down today.   Part of me felt like it might be a gift to release my pent up emotions, even when I don't really see any immediate solutions to my problems.

When I knew I couldn't cry anymore I started singing... which made me feel a tiny bit grateful for High School Choir and the smidgen of songs I still remembered.   And it made me smile to remember how often my friends told me I would die in the woods singing, because some bear would think I was a dying animal and would come to investigate.  Singing out loud also made me fill a bit silly, which  made me laugh at myself... and when a woman came rushing out of the canyon on her bike, belting out Spanish songs, I felt a connection and spoke out loud, "Que te vayas bien, cantando."  Being in the canyon, walking and running, singing out loud helped to heal my soul.  I just hope that I can find the strength I need to find an eventual resolution... or at least the strength to carry it all another mile or two.

The First 1/2

Finished (sorry for the repeat pics they are all I have of the race)

It was like being a child waiting for their first Christmas, the mystery, the allure, the wonder of what was coming.  My heart was pumping pure adrenaline.  I could not sleep.  I squeezed my eyes shut.  I tossed.  I turned.  My dreams were laced with anticipation, what would tomorrow bring?  Would I be able to finish the race, finally achieving a long sought after goal?  Did I know where my costume, my shoes, my underwear were?  Would I sleep in?  Would I get runner's trots? (so gross!) Would my lungs fail with cold or stress induced asthma?  Or my back fail with sharp pain piercing my spine? I hadn't run for weeks because of an old injury manifesting itself and in inconveniently timed illness.  Worse of all I had gained a few pounds back. I was so not close to 100% maximum strength and health.  But I wanted to finish the race running, walking or crawling.  That may sound like desperation but I feared postponing this dream one more time, because procrastination has a way of multiplying the... just one more time.  Determination can only win so many fights against it.
I might have slept five hours, it could also have been three, but by 4:50 am, no matter how tightly I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself to sleep, the pounding of my heart seemed to pry away the dreams and any of the Sandman's diligent work.  I rationalized that maybe a warm shower would calm me down.  Maybe if I got all ready, make-up and costume in place... then I could go back to sleep.  Of course, what really happened was that I was mostly ready on time... just a few minutes behind schedule.  It's probably a good thing I couldn't sleep or I might have been seriously late.  ( I blame all my tardiness on ADD.  I need something to explain it away.)
As soon as I left the front door, the cold smacked me upside the face and blew a chill all over my body.  So, so cold! My costume was as efficient as paper macrame at keeping the cold out.  I hate being cold.  My hope was that the rising sun would make everything better..
When we arrived at Tanner and Rachel's, Tanner and his father were still getting ready, which justified my tendency to be late, even if I am late, someone else is usually even later, so... I'm good.
The drive over to the pick up point was pleasant and when we arrived, I felt a continuous bubbling of excitement!  I found myself chuckling out loud at all the different costumes and was amazed at what some people were going to be running in.  I saw one man dressed up in full Samurai regalia, a girl dressed up like Jase from Duck Dynasty, another older man dressed up in a tutu, tiara and hitting on older women... when I say older, I mean older than me... and much more nakedness than I would have supposed in such in-climate weather (men in women's lingerie).  I wasn't judging them, but I am just so not comfortable with other people's lack of clothing... my instinct is to... LOOK AWAY!!!! LOOK AWAY!!!! or RUN AWAY!!!! RUN AWAY!!!  At one point, during the race, I thought we must have looked like one huge frat party running away from the police... how else would you explain 5,000 people running around in such bizarre costumes?  I don't know if the excuse of Halloween explains it either.

we started near this lake, closer to the mountains

We all loaded onto an old school bus, which brought back old High School feelings riding around to Cross-Country meets... which wasn't unpleasant.  Thinking of High School and running always reminds me of my friend Stephanie Flatt (I"m sorry if I spelled it wrong, my mind doesn't work) who passed away before my 11th grade year.  I frequently remember the race that I ran for her.  I began that race, so long ago, sobbing and unable to breath.  I wrote her name on my arm to dedicate one more race to her and all the others who passed away during my 3 years of High School.
The ride up was freezing, I'm not sure why, but some of the windows were down even though outside it was high 30's or low 40's... seriously, all I wanted was to be warm before the race started.  Unfortunately not everyone was of the same frame of mind.  Luckily, the conversations on the bus were entertaining enough to distract me from paying attention to my freezingness.
Actually, I couldn't help but listen to the conversation of those who were around me and soon realized that the three girls next to me had never run more than 3-5 miles... and that they had only done that recently and once in the past few weeks... it made me feel more comfortable with where I was.  At least, I wasn't the only one in the crazy boat.  At least I had run 9 miles in the past few weeks, even if I hadn't run since then.
When we got to the top of the Canyon we could see the Valley below and the Lake beside us.  Steam was rising from the lake and river, my breath blew out fog... it was cold.  We lined up for the porta-potty, I couldn't believe how many were there and how long the lines were.  In line I decided I didn't want to be cold anymore so I added one more layer of clothing that I had brought... my shorts... and of course, it made all the difference!  But not really.
Later, Tanner sacrificed his gloves for me.  Rachel, you've got a gentleman! :)

For the race they had shut down 1/2 of the freeway, the two lanes going back down into the Canyon.  When we dropped off our bags of clothing I lost Tanner and his dad in the crowd.  So, I wandered aimlessly towards the beginning, shying away from any official looking cameras.  I was so grateful to find a friend from Pendleton running there too! (Jordan Arbogast)  There's nothing like an old friend to boost your spirits.  She was running faster than I though, so after the gun shot into the air to start the race I didn't see her for very long.
Usually, the starting line is the worst for me, so often I find myself anxious, with my heart pounding.  I thought the firing of the gun, would make me jump and rattle my nerves but it didn't at all.  In fact, the beginning was a bit anti-climatic, we were so stuffed full of people that we couldn't even run for a few minutes.  When I started running though, it felt delicious, cool and smooth, clean with a strong stride.... and I was being passed by hundreds.  I tried not to let it bother me.  I tried to keep my running energy efficient and collected.  In the past, when I've been passed it's felt like an energy zap, as if they took it with them as they go zipping by.  I couldn't let that happen, so I mentally guarded my energy.

this is near where I felt my second wind... so beautiful!

The first two miles were awesome.  Except I was already getting hungry.  I was so ready to try out some of the marathon energy foods I had heard so much about and was vaguely disappointed when all they had was Gatorade and water.   Maybe the next station would have some?  After the first two miles, I felt cold and wobbly like I had just worked out doing one of Jillian Michael's hard core workouts after sitting on the coach for a few weeks.  It wasn't long before my body was trembling and I was starving, and all I wanted was to chase the sun down so I could get out of the cold mountain shadows and find food to eat. I hadn't eaten for a few hours and my body was certainly reminding me.  Another 2 miles down and another station with no food and this time only water.  I guess it's the consequences of being a slow runner... everything good is gone.  I was disappointed, I really wanted to have at least a few carbs to give me some energy.  I hoped that maybe the next one, or the station in the middle of the race will have some food but each station only brings disappointment... just water.  My body feels light, airy and weak.  But somehow, I take my mind out of the woozy feeling and am able to push through it.  In fact, I hit a second wind and I'm able to move my body faster than I thought possible.  I surprised myself when I passed the guy with the 2 hour and 45 minute marker, was it possible that I could run it even faster than that?  But it only lasted for a while between miles 6 and 8, when my body started to go capoot.  Next time, I'll be sure to bring my own food.

Bridal Veil, about five more miles to the end.

When I reached the station between miles 8-9, I was so hungry and so discouraged to find that there wasn't any Gatorade or food.  I expressed my concern to one of the helpers, and I'm hoping I don't sound whiny... "I"m so hungry!" I gasped out.  They immediately offered a banana and other food that they had brought along in their car.  I was torn between hunger and not wishing to impolitely take other people's food and allowing them to do something kind for someone else (yes, allowing other people to serve you is a good thing???? right?).... I was so grateful for the banana and to the people who gave it to me.  It gave me some of the energy that I needed... but I'm soon to find out that I really needed to be drinking more water and that because I didn't finish my training...  my legs were going to pay.  Between miles 10-13 (probably my slowest miles) my legs hurt so bad, burning in my muscles, burning in my bones.  I stop and stretch, it helps for a while.  At least, it isn't cold anymore and the sun is shining brightly through the autumn leaves.  Everything is lit with a golden light.  Somewhere in the midst of all this, even in all the pain that I'm in, I realize how much I love running.  I realize how much I love pushing through the pain... it's a moment like joy in the midst of insanity.
For a while, I've been playing a game of 'leap frog' where I pass a runner and then they pass me.  It was comforting to see people and costumes that I recognize.  It was comforting that I am running with people who are at the same level of expertise.  But what I really wanted, for a few miles now, is a friend, someone that I can casually start running with, someone, without being creepy, and without saying anything to... that will, because of mutual fatigue and pain, connect with me.  And if we started running together we could create a rhythm and carry each other through the rest of the race.  It's a crazy cool synergy that I have stumbled upon with other running friends before, it would almost be like salvation to find such a soul right now in the middle of a lonely race.  Maybe I should have spoken out loud what I wanted.  Maybe I was creepy.  It never seemed to work.  I would, because I was trying hard not to be too creepy, either pass them or they would pass me.
Each mile marker I started to celebrate, one more mile down, just a few more to go.  The guy with the 2 hour and 45 minute marker passed me and I felt devastated.  I wasn't going to run faster than he today. I didn't even know if I could keep up with him anymore, but, I pushed myself anyway, deciding that not finishing at that time would be worse than the pain I was feeling.  Another girl that I kept passing and being passed by cried out too!  "I gotta keep up with you and I don't think I can!"  she said.  He encouraged us to keep up with him, he was an older gentleman type, grandfatherly.  I finally had someone to run with, but it only lasted a few moments because walking towards me was a strange group of people coming to cheer runners on... one of them carrying a baby...

Thank goodness for Tanner and Co.  helping me finish the race!

 I was almost to them when I realized it was my sister in law Rachel, her sister in law, and her husband Tanner.  They cheered me on, telling me that the end of the race was just around the corner.  Tanner started to run with me.  It was uplifting to be told how close the end was and to have family and friends and strangers pushing me on to the finish.  What a rush!  At the finish line I inhaled an apple!  They finally had food and Rachel showered me with praise for finishing the race... and all I could think about was how much I hurt and how out of shape I was...

I love her enthusiasm!

Luckily for me, she decided to knock some sense into my oxygen deprived brain.  She basically said, and I paraphrase here, "Are you crazy!  Do you know what you just did?  And how amazing that was!  Don't sell yourself short!  That was awesome! You're awesome!"  Thank goodness for other people helping to validate you and helping you to realize the amazing things that you do....  It would have been so easy to brush my accomplishment aside because I was disappointed that I didn't finish with more grace and speed. Unfortunately, Josh, Asher, Isaac and Aiden didn't make it there in time to see the end, but they were very impressed with the shiny medal with a skull and cross bones they gave me.  Somehow, they knew that shiny medals were significant, and that what mommy had done was pretty darn cool because of it.  I am grateful for the opportunity that I had to finish my goals.  It may not have been how I wanted it to be.  But I did it and I didn't even have to walk or crawl across the finish line... it was more of a slog, but it was definitely a movement like running.  My back is still hurting (not from the race)and I'm having a hard time, finding time to go running.  That's what happens when your exercise rhythm gets thrown off I guess, but I'm not giving up. And I'm excited to run another 1/2 marathon in the spring... or sooner, if I can.

So lucky to have my boys with me!