Yoga and Today

This morning I did one of my Yoga DVDs that focuses on stretching and becoming more flexible.

I LOVE this, so relaxing

I was so glad I did.  It reminded me of good things I needed to have put back in my mind.  Things like, breath, relax, and feel.  Or, where in your life can you become more flexible and let go of control and just let people and things be as they are.  Letting go can feel so good.  There is so much out there that we just cling to, and so often its painful and harmful.  Let it go.  Breath it out.  Learn to be flexible, breath, relax, and feel.
Side note:  Real power doesn't come from controlling others, events, or things around us; real power comes from within and learning to have ownership of our own feelings, thoughts and actions.  I have been working on these things for years, and I know that I will only continue to work on them (and learn new things) until the day I die, and I still won't be perfect at it all.  And that's okay.

it's all right.  

Today, I finally feel more relaxed on this diet.  The first few days I was constantly thinking about the next 2 hours ahead of me and when I would finally be able to eat something again.  It was a sort of constant hunger, gnawing at the edges of all that I was doing, feeling and thinking.  I tried to remember running.  When you go running and you're tired, maybe running up a steep hill, you can trick yourself into finishing without stopping.  The trick is to look ahead a short distance and say to yourself, I can make it this far, I can make it to that tree a few feet ahead, I can just make it to that one spot... and then you do, and you don't stop, you choose another point ahead of you that's close (never look at the end) and you push yourself to that point until you have reached the end.  That's how the beginning of the diet was for me, just get through these two hours, don't worry about the day, just these next two hours.   Two hours can feel pretty hungry.  But I did it, mostly.  Today, I find that I am thinking less about just surviving and when I get to eat next.  My stomach must be shrinking, becoming accustomed to a decrease in calories.  It helps me feel hopeful that it will only continue getting better.  This isn't easy, no diet is, but it is proving effective and getting me to where I want to be.  And, I am constantly told that this feeling only lasts for a few days, all I have to do is get past it, and get to the point where it isn't a sacrifice anymore and I'm not hungry all the time anymore... it's like a portal, waiting in front of me.

Admission

All right, I cheated.  I'm keeping it real.  Nothing serious.  No chocolate bon bons.  No sugar of any type, unless you consider potatoes to be sugar... which they are, they're a starch which turns to sugar... but it wasn't a chocolate cake covered in chocolate frosting.

I have to admit it's a bit embarrassing to give that kind of disclosure, but I'm doing it for two reasons.


1.  I want to be held accountable.  I could lie.  I could just keep it to myself.  I could say I'm doing brilliant and that today I didn't struggle physically and emotionally.  But I did.

What??? Despicable Me Minions.  

It all started when I waited too long to eat.  Actually it started when I felt overwhelmed by my long list of things to do.  Unpacking, weeding, children to love and care for, finding a new job (I haven't actually worked for 7ish years), diet, exercise... and then in the midst of my crisis  :0) I postponed eating for four hours, which is huge when you're supposed to eat every 2.  I became weak, literally.  Shaking.  Dinner had to be made, Josh was working and everyone else was going or gone.  I remade leftover mashed potatoes with Parmesan cheese, pepperjack, colby jack, garlic, and salt and pepper.  When they came out of the oven, they were hot.  How I love warm food when I'm starving.  Anything will do really, but warm food when you feel famished and it's raining outside and your emotionally drained... it speaks to you, in warm dulcet tones (Anne of Green Gables right there).  I caved.   BUT  I did not eat the whole pan like I wanted to.  I kept it to about 1/2 a cup.   And then, I watched October Baby and it made me cry and it was midnight... and crying at midnight means you have to sooth your soul with something good... so I had a slice of gluten free bread with Laughing Cow (1/3 the fat) 35 calories spread out across it.   I know, I know it's not like I ate a pan of brownies or a whole cake or a carton of raspberry cream cheese ice cream (shall I go on torturing myself???)... but it was cheating.  And I am holding myself accountable.  Tomorrow I will do better.

Tomorrow is only a day away, from Annie the musical

2.  I admit all these things to you to show you, that I am actually human.  Surprise!  I make mistakes!  I am imperfect.  But I am not going to give up.  I haven't phoned in, it was just a text message, an SOS.  I will do better tomorrow.  Weakness, mistakes, failures don't define us.  It's making the choice to stand up again, love ourselves, speak to ourselves like we would to our best friend.  Insert pretend speak to myself:  It's okay sweetie, I know you're strong enough to do this, tomorrow will be better.  I would have eaten a box of Ande's Mints, except they aren't in the house.... see how lovingly I talked to myself.  :)
It's the small choices to do better, to be who we really are, and loving ourselves every step of the way, that really define us... if we choose to.  We are the authors of our own characters.  

From the Movie Young Victoria

 Albert once said this to Young, Princess Victoria...
 please do not lose faith in yourself 
we are all allowed to make mistakes

...

open your mind, examine your choices

your honesty will take you through the storm.

i promise that you can do this work and do it well

you have courage and heart and you said yourself, you are stronger than you look.

We can do it.

Why I chose to diet, My goals

I know that I talked already about why I am doing this diet, to be healthy and to look how I want to look, but there are other reasons.  I am going to express my goals here, but in the present tense... as if I am already there.  More mind talk, talk in the positive, talk in the now rather than someday and maybe, and I wish. "This is who I am" carries conviction to myself and others.

1.  I am a healthy mother who loves to play with and teach her children and has the strength and endurance to organize my time and the energy to do so.

my

2.  I am a wife who is strong enough to keep balance within the family, while my husband is sick and struggles with chronic fatigue

reason

3.  I am a woman who is healthy during pregnancy, no morning sickness for nine months...  I am strong and able during these 9 months.  (I regress, this one is really important to me, I want to have 1 or 2 more kids, but with a sick husband, 3 children, and a woman with serious morning sickness... the logistics aren't so great. I am hoping that if I become healthier that pregnancy won't be so hard. So, I say, I am a strong and healthy woman, who does not get morning sick. :)

4.  I am happy with myself and the shape I am in

5.  I am a person who tries new things, who enjoys proving and pushing myself mentally, physically, spiritually ( not so much socially, I'm okay being a recluse :)

6.  I am person who is aligned, honest, loving to others and to myself, loving myself enough to be healthy and able to do what is important to me.

why

I will probably add to this list as time goes on.
What are some of your goals?  Try writing them down in the present tense, as if you are what you want to be already.

Last Night

So, yesterday was all right.  I did feel hungry a little bit, sometimes.  The plan was to remind my body... I'm not killing you through starvation... just, like a marble sculpture, I'm sculpting a different shape out of your body.  Actually, everything was pretty much okay until I worked out with Jillian Michaels and did her Yoga Meltdown workout DVD.

Killer awesome workout!!!

 I did the easy one, level one, and for some reason it was harder than the level two I did yesterday.  AND after I worked out, I wanted to EAT!!!  I think it's what I do after a good work out.  I eat till mah belly is full, warm and cozy.

this picture in juxtaposition with Jillian feels like a contradiction

 And I deserve it.


 Instead, I allowed myself to eat my portions and then lots and lots of salad.... after my Tablespoon of dressing, I used lemon juice instead.  And then, I was still starving.  So, I counted up my calories and realized that I was only at 1500 and I can have 1800, so, I ate more food... but I still went to bed just a little bit hungry... just a tinge.  Here's the thing, it sort of felt good.  It wasn't easy, but instead of feeling stuffed (like I sometimes do)  I felt clean.   This diet is momentary, I won't always be on it, it's sort of like a vehicle to get me to where I want to be.  Right now, I'm learning about portion control, I don't know if I've ever known what 1,800 calories looks like.  Now I do. When I'm off the diet figuring out what 1800 calories looks like will be easier, controllable. And it's not like I have to count the calories on the diet, I only did it so I could see if I had more calories available for me to eat. :) The program pretty much counts your calories for you, it's just that I am doing the 4 and 2 program instead of the 5 and 1 because I'm exercising and nursing still... and I admit it, I didn't prepare like I should have... I was somewhere in the mountains instead, without internet and access to the guide... so I started out my day winging it, just a little bit.  Today, I will be better.  I know now more about what I'm doing and what I can and can't eat.

This is a can't, cruel to show them to you though, right?

Also, I weighed myself this morning and it looks like I already lost 2lbs.  I know that might be faster than I should be doing.  But, it feels good to see sacrifice, learning, and hard work pay off.  Awesome.  :)

Take Shape for Life Testimonial #2

Linda Sue lost 75 lbs!

*Results vary.
Typical weight loss on the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan® is 2-5 lbs per week for the first 2 weeks and 1-2 lbs per week thereafter. The success story represented in this advertisement lose weight through Take Shape For Life®, a Medifast support program.

"I love my life! I have more energy, and love to shop for clothes and groceries. I can walk all day without pain!"

Before Take Shape For Life, I was obese and very unhappy with the way I looked and felt. I had a lot of pain in my knees and I would go straight to the couch or bed as soon as I came home from work.

I kept getting bigger and heavier, and my doctor recommended LAP-BAND surgery, but because I suffer with strokes and TIAs ("mini-strokes)", I wasn't a candidate.

When my Health Coach introduced me to Take Shape For Life, I saw results after week one!

My friends are just stunned at my results on the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan. And, thank goodness, my husband was entirely supportive. It would have been so easy for him to say, "No, we can't afford this," but instead he said, "We can't afford for you to be unhealthy and unhappy."

My knees don't swell badly anymore and I can sleep easily at night because I'm not in pain. I work out at my gym six days a week, and love it.

The other day a "newbie" at my gym actually asked me if I was a trainer! I was stunned: me, a trainer! In May 2009 that would never have entered anyone's mind! I love what Take Shape For Life has done for me!

If you would like to know more email me at hillsraliveajw@gmail.com

Take Shape For Life #1 testimonial

This is a testimonial of how Take Shape For Life works.  If you would like more details, email me.  hillsraliveajw@gmail.com

David lost 205 lbs!

*Results vary.
Typical weight loss on the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan® is 2-5 lbs per week for the first 2 weeks and 1-2 lbs per week thereafter. The success story represented in this advertisement lose weight through Take Shape For Life®, a Medifast support program.

Eyes followed me on the airplane as people silently hoped that the morbidly obese guy wasn't going to sit next to them. Chairs broke under my weight. I split a pair of 62" pants before a business meeting and had to miss it because I couldn't find a store that carried my size.

I was depressed. I attempted to lose weight a dozen different ways. I would lose 25 pounds, at most, before returning to my heaviest weight - or more. I was completely illiterate about food and overwhelmed by contradictory advice and claims.

I had become a bystander in my own life, so I decided to make a commitment to myself. Medifast came into my life when I was ready to take a leap. I took a permanent marker and wrote my weight at the time and my goal weight on a wall in my living room. I committed to losing the weight so that I could go sky diving! I added my daily weigh-ins to track my progress.

With the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan, I knew that I was receiving balanced nutrition. I started to distinguish physical hunger from emotional hunger. A friend supported me as a Health Coach. I lost a total of 205 lbs and have been taught the skills I need to maintain a healthy weight for the rest of my life.

I share my story with others in hope that they will be inspired to take control of their bodies and lives. After losing weight, I was offered a promotion that I had wanted for seven years. I also took the biggest leap - from an airplane! I was able to go sky diving - my ultimate goal.

Recently

You may wonder why I was not here yesterday to begin my diet.  I was in the mountains with my family, for a family reunion.  I love my family.  I love the mountains.  It was pretty much awesome, despite large, diverse, imperfect, family lodged together in a...... lodge.   But seriously, I have five sisters and three brothers... and the majority of them have family, even kids who are getting married and starting their family.  I have always thought of myself as the biggest sister, biggest in size. While I was there we went on a few hikes, did some dance fusion yoga (Lynaea, Leah and I), Yoga Meltdown with Jillian, and went on a scientific expedition searching for Big Foot (Asher, 5, and Nora, 8, were the main leaders and scientists.  It's from them that we found Big Foot hates nature and will therefore randomly knock down and destroy trees, among other fascinating details soon to be released in a video made by Lynaea.)  But, there was no internet and I stayed longer than I anticipated... thus, I could not make my evolving plans known.  The diet starts today.

We also took some family pictures, and I had some before pictures taken to post here (they are not yet available to me).  When I saw the pictures of me, I was surprised... and not pleasantly so.  I was much, much rounder than I thought I was.  It was shocking, dismaying and a little disheartening... is this where all that work brought me... only here? (I've been working out on my own for awhile).  After seeing the pictures, I became more excited to start the diet.  I have an image of how I want to look, an image that may be different then other people's images of beauty, but I'm happy with it.  And it isn't that I'm not beautiful or worth while now... or that I'm going to be happier when I get to the other side... it's all about how I want to look.  It won't be perfect, I have never been perfect and after having three children I don't know if I can attain perfection without surgery... but I can get my body into a shape that pleases me and that is healthy.  Those are two of my main goals... to look how I want to look and to be healthy.

So, I have already started the diet.  I am starting the diet weighing 175lbs.  I will post a picture of my beautiful rotundness soon.  It will be my before picture... and I will be so excited to have an after picture soon!!! :)
Honestly, the diet hasn't been so bad today.  Not great, but not awful.  I've been talking to myself, my inner self... my sister, Mara... or was it Lynaea?... said the key to dieting isn't just power of will, but convincing your primordial, unconscious inner self that you're not trying to kill it by starvation... just trim it down a little bit.  I did smell a box of Oreos earlier today and my nose perked up and my thoughts became impure, laced with sugary temptation, but I thought of my family and I thought of my goals and I thought...nope, sacrifice now to get what I want later... So far, success.

Not so long ago

Love right?  That's how we talk about ourselves with love.
I finally lost the last 15lbs, years ago.  I took a swimming class and for whatever reason the weight just fell off.  I think it's an exercise principle, always cross-train or your body will get used to it and you will plateau, get stuck, not change from your status quo.  The weight, the size stays the same.  At least that's true for me.  It's actually around this time that I learned to love other sports, via a very, very active roommate (her mother was running a marathon, while she was 3-4 months pregnant with her, I think something about that endowed her with superhuman energy).  We played at all the sports, and would gather anybody who was willing to play with us, sports like basketball, football, ultimate Frisbee (my favorite, I wish I could convince a group of mothers to start a team), swimming (it took me a month to learn to not inhale the water, it's now another favorite)... and much later I learned that yoga was not about tying yourself into knots and you don't have to be able to touch your toes to do it (yoga is mine now).  Very recently I have learned that Pilates is a lot like dance (love dancing!!!!!!!!!!!!! just one more exclamation point!).  Exercise, in many different forms, makes me happy, and helps me cope, imagining life without it.  Bleh.  The most important thing I learned from my variety of activities wasn't about how good I was or wasn't.  I'm actually pretty terrible at sports.  The only thing more important then being good at something is just trying it.  Find something you love to do, by trying something you're afraid of doing... it's the only way.  Try, leads to do.  Fear of failure only immobilizes us.  For me, it wasn't a failure when I missed a basket, dropped the ball, or missed the frisbee.  Everyone, even professionals make mistakes.  That's comforting to me, because then it's not about where I messed up, it's about how can I do it better next time.  Instead of turning away in fear and feeling humiliated... I'm going to play without fear, learn from my mistakes, and try to fix them the next time.  Isn't that a good game plan for life!
It was also around this time that I met Josh, my husband ( I may be connecting dots incorrectly, it may have been a year or two later after taking my swimming class).  We were working together on grounds crew at BYU college. We would go on hikes, he loves basketball, we went dancing, we played football and ultimate frisbee, he loved  being outside and working hard.  He made me laugh, was a tease, super intelligent, and most important to me, I felt safe with him.  We became engaged.  Soon after, I gave him the kiss of death.  We call it that because I had Mono ( I had no idea) http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/infectious-mononucleosis-topic-overview.  This link talks about fatigue, but Josh's fatigue was so bad he almost couldn't get out of bed.  He seemed to be healing, we got married, and the fatigue worsened, he couldn't even get out of bed.  He couldn't even wash dishes for five minutes without needing a break.  Soon after, he was diagnosed with Chronic fatigue, we've been fighting it ever since.

Engagement pictures, I wasn't as thin as I was in High School, but I was pretty happy with how I looked at this time... not perfectly happy, but pretty happy

You may be wondering why this is pertinent, it is too me.  It changed the landscape of our marriage so completely.  Instead of super active go getters, we turned into desperate seekers of healing (huge understatement).  This search has lead us to various places, green drinks, herbs, vitamins, diets, acupuncture, blood tests, and no magical cures that have lead back to 100%, better but never 100%.  Then, combine that with my three pregnancies, 9 months of morning sickness each, bed rest, and 50lbs gained each time (I lost the weight from the first two) and you have someone like me,  someone willing to try to find change that works and lasts.  I have been working on my own for a few years now and I have not yet been able to get to the weight and size that I want to be.  This program provides the food (so it's a no brainer, just eat the food) and a free health coach, someone to be a friend, hold you accountable, and help you transition back to eating 'normal' healthy food again.  Also, it's five times more effective than any other weight loss/health diet plan.  Here's thumbs up for being so excited to finally reach some personal goals!

I felt so stretched out and larger than I wanted to be that I didn't allow a true picture of myself.  It's sad.  The memory is more important than my discomfort with myself.  I would never want anyone, of any size, to feel that way

This was my natural birth baby, no epidural.  It was the best delivery, for me, so far.

If you become interested in the diet and want to join me in becoming healthier and the you, you want to be.  email me at hillsraliveajw@gmail.com

Recent Past

Fast forward to after High School and before marriage (about seven years of time).  During this time I was all over the place on the weight scale.  School made exercise difficult.  I soon learned the value of taking one exercise class a semester, but that didn't always guarantee a slim, perfect body... in fact, I don't know if it's ever been 'perfect'.  In fact, I once discovered that if I ate one pint of Ben and Jerry's I would have to live on the treadmill, for a week,  to break even on the calories.  It was a sad day. I'm only slightly exaggerating for the sake of humor.

My favorite summer, I stayed at Ricks College and worked on grounds crew.  I loved it.  Mowing lawns.  Pulling weeds.  Dead heading flowers.  Sounds like fun, right.  It was.  There were three other girls (Kristin, Andolynn, and Cheryl), we became fast friends, most often goofing off (I still remember almost all our inside jokes, raining pesticides, beautiful boys, racing in the gators to the dump) and sometimes we would talk and uplift one another... we called it Relief Society Weeding (based on the Mormon Church's Organization; Relief Society... the weeding replaced the meetings )  One of them, Cheryl, would run in the morning with me before work.  We would come back to her apartment and eat yogurt and grape nuts, sitting in the cool morning sun.  Then off to work.  Purely Pleasant.

this was one of my skinnier moments during college

Later, I served a mission for my church... before I went out into the field, I lost about 20 lbs.  I was as thin, maybe thinner, than I was in High School.  I ran, and I ran fast for the little time they gave us in the MTC.  It was glorious.  Then, I was sent out to New Jersey, where getting companions to exercise wasn't always possible, food wasn't always a choice (God bless the people who gave in abundance, and my inability to control myself), and I became the biggest I had ever been.  I tried not to notice and tried to just focus on teaching the people... most of the time I just didn't look, it was easier not to notice how changed my body had become.  I wish I had approached this time differently, it wasn't until I had children that I was fully able to realize that sometimes, your body isn't your own.  On a mission, you have decided to dedicate yourself to the Lord's work... hence your body is not really your own, and part of loving the people is allowing them to serve you and give to you in abundance.

I remember this picture, I felt like I needed to hide my belly... so sad.

When, I returned home I changed my diet and nothing happened.  I tried to run and found I couldn't even get further than 1/4 of the track without an asthma attack (it was a small inside track).  After being able to run quickly, after being able to run for miles, realizing that I couldn't even slog it for 100 feet was more than discouraging.  I gave up.  I don't know how long I gave up, when I took my next dance class, when I finally started to run again... but I do know that my weight wouldn't come off again.  I got stuck at 160lbs, 5'2, eyes of blue (I did loose about 20lbs after the mission, but I got stuck at 160).  It didn't seem to matter that I was now running 5-6 miles, sometimes even more.  It wouldn't budge and I wasn't getting smaller in size.  I know that there are some who would be happy to be 5'2 and 160 lbs.  I know that each of us has our own battles and beliefs about weight and bodies.  You can be slim and willowy and hate your body (usually, the body everyone wants), you can be amazingly round and curvaceous and love your body (curves are what make us a woman, why not love it?).  My battle may not be yours, but it's the one I've been fighting for years.  Sometimes I come out conqueror and sometimes I am the victim of my own beliefs.  The size of the body isn't the real war, it's the beliefs, and emotions that come with them, that really matter in our journey to be where we want to be.  When I can find a way to be physically and emotionally healthy, when it comes to how my body looks, I think that is when I will feel I have won my battles and my war... (I mean really, should I be battling my body, should it be all out war against it? Shouldn't it be more of a zen like approach, a loving approach to who I am physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually... etc etc).  That's it, I'm calling off the war.  I'm gonna love myself into being who I want to be.

The Past

My first real experience with 'exercise' (not counting playing for hours on our farm, fishing with my dad, getting 'lost' on forays with my father and other siblings on a hike, or biking for hours by myself as very young girl) was P.E. at public school.  What I remember most was desperation and humiliation... and the smell. It doesn't make for a good motivator to get out and exercise when your pretty sure there's nothing that you're 'good' at (ie; humiliation), and all you get out of it is stinking.  Then one day, we were taught to lift weights and...... Surprise... I was strong.  I had no idea how empowering it was to push weight around with my body, it really didn't take any coordination either, nobody throwing a ball at my face, no shame or taunting when I ducked away in fear.  I could now do something that a lot of other girls couldn't.  (It's a tragedy though, that, at that time we didn't know weight lifting damaged young kid's joints so they wouldn't grow as tall as they should or could... I was supposed to be 5'5 or 5'7, instead, and to my consternation and frustration, I'm stuck at 5'2)  Then, one day, I had too much weight and bent my back the wrong way while doing squats.  I fell.  I was hurt.  Nothing serious, but it hurt.  I couldn't move... it took a month for me to heal.  In that month I gained 20lbs.  I was already about 20lbs bigger than all my other, very skinny, friends.  It was devastating, for me.
So, that summer I ran.  I ran almost every day and went from a size 14 to a size 7/8 (still SO much bigger than my friends who wore size 0-5 pants, I often felt like I was running around in a woman's body as a child).  But when I got on the scales at school... I had lost 2lbs, that's right two pounds, all my work and decrease in size was summed up in 2 pounds.  For a little girl, who believed that a boy should be able to pick me up, throw me around, spin me, toss me, throw me like a football without even breaking a sweat... this was devastating (thank goodness I don't have my teenage thought process still).  And then, thinking I had been running all summer I decided to join Cross Country and quickly, very quickly found out that I had not been running all summer, but slogging (slow jog, or almost walk)... and while everyone else bounced around and had fun, I wanted to puke.  Not only were they running,  they were hopping around, playing, laughing, joking....and I was sucking in air and dying.  I don't know why I didn't quit.  I was in 10th grade.  I should have been humiliated. But for some reason I didn't stop and I didn't want to.  I learned to pace myself... I didn't try to run as fast as everyone else and I was always pleased as a pumpkin pie (are pumpkin pies pleased? or just pleasant?) to finish the workout... usually everyone else was already gone by the time I got back.  I was always one of the last runners on our team to cross the finish line.  Still, that wasn't enough humiliation for me to quit.  Why did I keep on going?  I"m not sure what my motivation was exactly, Cross Country held no prestige in Pendleton... it wasn't like football, basketball, or the dance team.  It wasn't the prestige.  I think it was the novelty, the endurance that was required, so even if my peers didn't respect me for running, I knew I was doing something difficult, something most kids wouldn't do (they were sane), but I did.  I don't think I really understood running until after High School, when I was running with a friend at night... it felt like we were running with pure, powerful rhythm, with the cool night air delicious against our skin... there might have been some pain, but it didn't matter... all that mattered was speed and how good it felt to feel like flying... that was when I learned that good runners, run through the pain.  Just like everyone in life struggles, every runner hurts, the difference is that, to be successful, you push through it.
I don't know all the reasons I ran then, but I know why I run now.  I run for the endorphins.  I run to conqueror the pain.  I run to feel good and healthy.  I love running.   P.S.  This summer I plan losing 40lbs and running  a 5k with my sister in law Emma and anyone else who will join me. :) Come watch me do it on my blog.