My first real experience with 'exercise' (not counting playing for hours on our farm, fishing with my dad, getting 'lost' on forays with my father and other siblings on a hike, or biking for hours by myself as very young girl) was P.E. at public school. What I remember most was desperation and humiliation... and the smell. It doesn't make for a good motivator to get out and exercise when your pretty sure there's nothing that you're 'good' at (ie; humiliation), and all you get out of it is stinking. Then one day, we were taught to lift weights and...... Surprise... I was strong. I had no idea how empowering it was to push weight around with my body, it really didn't take any coordination either, nobody throwing a ball at my face, no shame or taunting when I ducked away in fear. I could now do something that a lot of other girls couldn't. (It's a tragedy though, that, at that time we didn't know weight lifting damaged young kid's joints so they wouldn't grow as tall as they should or could... I was supposed to be 5'5 or 5'7, instead, and to my consternation and frustration, I'm stuck at 5'2) Then, one day, I had too much weight and bent my back the wrong way while doing squats. I fell. I was hurt. Nothing serious, but it hurt. I couldn't move... it took a month for me to heal. In that month I gained 20lbs. I was already about 20lbs bigger than all my other, very skinny, friends. It was devastating, for me.
So, that summer I ran. I ran almost every day and went from a size 14 to a size 7/8 (still SO much bigger than my friends who wore size 0-5 pants, I often felt like I was running around in a woman's body as a child). But when I got on the scales at school... I had lost 2lbs, that's right two pounds, all my work and decrease in size was summed up in 2 pounds. For a little girl, who believed that a boy should be able to pick me up, throw me around, spin me, toss me, throw me like a football without even breaking a sweat... this was devastating (thank goodness I don't have my teenage thought process still). And then, thinking I had been running all summer I decided to join Cross Country and quickly, very quickly found out that I had not been running all summer, but slogging (slow jog, or almost walk)... and while everyone else bounced around and had fun, I wanted to puke. Not only were they running, they were hopping around, playing, laughing, joking....and I was sucking in air and dying. I don't know why I didn't quit. I was in 10th grade. I should have been humiliated. But for some reason I didn't stop and I didn't want to. I learned to pace myself... I didn't try to run as fast as everyone else and I was always pleased as a pumpkin pie (are pumpkin pies pleased? or just pleasant?) to finish the workout... usually everyone else was already gone by the time I got back. I was always one of the last runners on our team to cross the finish line. Still, that wasn't enough humiliation for me to quit. Why did I keep on going? I"m not sure what my motivation was exactly, Cross Country held no prestige in Pendleton... it wasn't like football, basketball, or the dance team. It wasn't the prestige. I think it was the novelty, the endurance that was required, so even if my peers didn't respect me for running, I knew I was doing something difficult, something most kids wouldn't do (they were sane), but I did. I don't think I really understood running until after High School, when I was running with a friend at night... it felt like we were running with pure, powerful rhythm, with the cool night air delicious against our skin... there might have been some pain, but it didn't matter... all that mattered was speed and how good it felt to feel like flying... that was when I learned that good runners, run through the pain. Just like everyone in life struggles, every runner hurts, the difference is that, to be successful, you push through it.
I don't know all the reasons I ran then, but I know why I run now. I run for the endorphins. I run to conqueror the pain. I run to feel good and healthy. I love running. P.S. This summer I plan losing 40lbs and running a 5k with my sister in law Emma and anyone else who will join me. :) Come watch me do it on my blog.
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