Admission

All right, I cheated.  I'm keeping it real.  Nothing serious.  No chocolate bon bons.  No sugar of any type, unless you consider potatoes to be sugar... which they are, they're a starch which turns to sugar... but it wasn't a chocolate cake covered in chocolate frosting.

I have to admit it's a bit embarrassing to give that kind of disclosure, but I'm doing it for two reasons.


1.  I want to be held accountable.  I could lie.  I could just keep it to myself.  I could say I'm doing brilliant and that today I didn't struggle physically and emotionally.  But I did.

What??? Despicable Me Minions.  

It all started when I waited too long to eat.  Actually it started when I felt overwhelmed by my long list of things to do.  Unpacking, weeding, children to love and care for, finding a new job (I haven't actually worked for 7ish years), diet, exercise... and then in the midst of my crisis  :0) I postponed eating for four hours, which is huge when you're supposed to eat every 2.  I became weak, literally.  Shaking.  Dinner had to be made, Josh was working and everyone else was going or gone.  I remade leftover mashed potatoes with Parmesan cheese, pepperjack, colby jack, garlic, and salt and pepper.  When they came out of the oven, they were hot.  How I love warm food when I'm starving.  Anything will do really, but warm food when you feel famished and it's raining outside and your emotionally drained... it speaks to you, in warm dulcet tones (Anne of Green Gables right there).  I caved.   BUT  I did not eat the whole pan like I wanted to.  I kept it to about 1/2 a cup.   And then, I watched October Baby and it made me cry and it was midnight... and crying at midnight means you have to sooth your soul with something good... so I had a slice of gluten free bread with Laughing Cow (1/3 the fat) 35 calories spread out across it.   I know, I know it's not like I ate a pan of brownies or a whole cake or a carton of raspberry cream cheese ice cream (shall I go on torturing myself???)... but it was cheating.  And I am holding myself accountable.  Tomorrow I will do better.

Tomorrow is only a day away, from Annie the musical

2.  I admit all these things to you to show you, that I am actually human.  Surprise!  I make mistakes!  I am imperfect.  But I am not going to give up.  I haven't phoned in, it was just a text message, an SOS.  I will do better tomorrow.  Weakness, mistakes, failures don't define us.  It's making the choice to stand up again, love ourselves, speak to ourselves like we would to our best friend.  Insert pretend speak to myself:  It's okay sweetie, I know you're strong enough to do this, tomorrow will be better.  I would have eaten a box of Ande's Mints, except they aren't in the house.... see how lovingly I talked to myself.  :)
It's the small choices to do better, to be who we really are, and loving ourselves every step of the way, that really define us... if we choose to.  We are the authors of our own characters.  

From the Movie Young Victoria

 Albert once said this to Young, Princess Victoria...
 please do not lose faith in yourself 
we are all allowed to make mistakes

...

open your mind, examine your choices

your honesty will take you through the storm.

i promise that you can do this work and do it well

you have courage and heart and you said yourself, you are stronger than you look.

We can do it.