Yoga and Today

This morning I did one of my Yoga DVDs that focuses on stretching and becoming more flexible.

I LOVE this, so relaxing

I was so glad I did.  It reminded me of good things I needed to have put back in my mind.  Things like, breath, relax, and feel.  Or, where in your life can you become more flexible and let go of control and just let people and things be as they are.  Letting go can feel so good.  There is so much out there that we just cling to, and so often its painful and harmful.  Let it go.  Breath it out.  Learn to be flexible, breath, relax, and feel.
Side note:  Real power doesn't come from controlling others, events, or things around us; real power comes from within and learning to have ownership of our own feelings, thoughts and actions.  I have been working on these things for years, and I know that I will only continue to work on them (and learn new things) until the day I die, and I still won't be perfect at it all.  And that's okay.

it's all right.  

Today, I finally feel more relaxed on this diet.  The first few days I was constantly thinking about the next 2 hours ahead of me and when I would finally be able to eat something again.  It was a sort of constant hunger, gnawing at the edges of all that I was doing, feeling and thinking.  I tried to remember running.  When you go running and you're tired, maybe running up a steep hill, you can trick yourself into finishing without stopping.  The trick is to look ahead a short distance and say to yourself, I can make it this far, I can make it to that tree a few feet ahead, I can just make it to that one spot... and then you do, and you don't stop, you choose another point ahead of you that's close (never look at the end) and you push yourself to that point until you have reached the end.  That's how the beginning of the diet was for me, just get through these two hours, don't worry about the day, just these next two hours.   Two hours can feel pretty hungry.  But I did it, mostly.  Today, I find that I am thinking less about just surviving and when I get to eat next.  My stomach must be shrinking, becoming accustomed to a decrease in calories.  It helps me feel hopeful that it will only continue getting better.  This isn't easy, no diet is, but it is proving effective and getting me to where I want to be.  And, I am constantly told that this feeling only lasts for a few days, all I have to do is get past it, and get to the point where it isn't a sacrifice anymore and I'm not hungry all the time anymore... it's like a portal, waiting in front of me.

Admission

All right, I cheated.  I'm keeping it real.  Nothing serious.  No chocolate bon bons.  No sugar of any type, unless you consider potatoes to be sugar... which they are, they're a starch which turns to sugar... but it wasn't a chocolate cake covered in chocolate frosting.

I have to admit it's a bit embarrassing to give that kind of disclosure, but I'm doing it for two reasons.


1.  I want to be held accountable.  I could lie.  I could just keep it to myself.  I could say I'm doing brilliant and that today I didn't struggle physically and emotionally.  But I did.

What??? Despicable Me Minions.  

It all started when I waited too long to eat.  Actually it started when I felt overwhelmed by my long list of things to do.  Unpacking, weeding, children to love and care for, finding a new job (I haven't actually worked for 7ish years), diet, exercise... and then in the midst of my crisis  :0) I postponed eating for four hours, which is huge when you're supposed to eat every 2.  I became weak, literally.  Shaking.  Dinner had to be made, Josh was working and everyone else was going or gone.  I remade leftover mashed potatoes with Parmesan cheese, pepperjack, colby jack, garlic, and salt and pepper.  When they came out of the oven, they were hot.  How I love warm food when I'm starving.  Anything will do really, but warm food when you feel famished and it's raining outside and your emotionally drained... it speaks to you, in warm dulcet tones (Anne of Green Gables right there).  I caved.   BUT  I did not eat the whole pan like I wanted to.  I kept it to about 1/2 a cup.   And then, I watched October Baby and it made me cry and it was midnight... and crying at midnight means you have to sooth your soul with something good... so I had a slice of gluten free bread with Laughing Cow (1/3 the fat) 35 calories spread out across it.   I know, I know it's not like I ate a pan of brownies or a whole cake or a carton of raspberry cream cheese ice cream (shall I go on torturing myself???)... but it was cheating.  And I am holding myself accountable.  Tomorrow I will do better.

Tomorrow is only a day away, from Annie the musical

2.  I admit all these things to you to show you, that I am actually human.  Surprise!  I make mistakes!  I am imperfect.  But I am not going to give up.  I haven't phoned in, it was just a text message, an SOS.  I will do better tomorrow.  Weakness, mistakes, failures don't define us.  It's making the choice to stand up again, love ourselves, speak to ourselves like we would to our best friend.  Insert pretend speak to myself:  It's okay sweetie, I know you're strong enough to do this, tomorrow will be better.  I would have eaten a box of Ande's Mints, except they aren't in the house.... see how lovingly I talked to myself.  :)
It's the small choices to do better, to be who we really are, and loving ourselves every step of the way, that really define us... if we choose to.  We are the authors of our own characters.  

From the Movie Young Victoria

 Albert once said this to Young, Princess Victoria...
 please do not lose faith in yourself 
we are all allowed to make mistakes

...

open your mind, examine your choices

your honesty will take you through the storm.

i promise that you can do this work and do it well

you have courage and heart and you said yourself, you are stronger than you look.

We can do it.

Why I chose to diet, My goals

I know that I talked already about why I am doing this diet, to be healthy and to look how I want to look, but there are other reasons.  I am going to express my goals here, but in the present tense... as if I am already there.  More mind talk, talk in the positive, talk in the now rather than someday and maybe, and I wish. "This is who I am" carries conviction to myself and others.

1.  I am a healthy mother who loves to play with and teach her children and has the strength and endurance to organize my time and the energy to do so.

my

2.  I am a wife who is strong enough to keep balance within the family, while my husband is sick and struggles with chronic fatigue

reason

3.  I am a woman who is healthy during pregnancy, no morning sickness for nine months...  I am strong and able during these 9 months.  (I regress, this one is really important to me, I want to have 1 or 2 more kids, but with a sick husband, 3 children, and a woman with serious morning sickness... the logistics aren't so great. I am hoping that if I become healthier that pregnancy won't be so hard. So, I say, I am a strong and healthy woman, who does not get morning sick. :)

4.  I am happy with myself and the shape I am in

5.  I am a person who tries new things, who enjoys proving and pushing myself mentally, physically, spiritually ( not so much socially, I'm okay being a recluse :)

6.  I am person who is aligned, honest, loving to others and to myself, loving myself enough to be healthy and able to do what is important to me.

why

I will probably add to this list as time goes on.
What are some of your goals?  Try writing them down in the present tense, as if you are what you want to be already.

Last Night

So, yesterday was all right.  I did feel hungry a little bit, sometimes.  The plan was to remind my body... I'm not killing you through starvation... just, like a marble sculpture, I'm sculpting a different shape out of your body.  Actually, everything was pretty much okay until I worked out with Jillian Michaels and did her Yoga Meltdown workout DVD.

Killer awesome workout!!!

 I did the easy one, level one, and for some reason it was harder than the level two I did yesterday.  AND after I worked out, I wanted to EAT!!!  I think it's what I do after a good work out.  I eat till mah belly is full, warm and cozy.

this picture in juxtaposition with Jillian feels like a contradiction

 And I deserve it.


 Instead, I allowed myself to eat my portions and then lots and lots of salad.... after my Tablespoon of dressing, I used lemon juice instead.  And then, I was still starving.  So, I counted up my calories and realized that I was only at 1500 and I can have 1800, so, I ate more food... but I still went to bed just a little bit hungry... just a tinge.  Here's the thing, it sort of felt good.  It wasn't easy, but instead of feeling stuffed (like I sometimes do)  I felt clean.   This diet is momentary, I won't always be on it, it's sort of like a vehicle to get me to where I want to be.  Right now, I'm learning about portion control, I don't know if I've ever known what 1,800 calories looks like.  Now I do. When I'm off the diet figuring out what 1800 calories looks like will be easier, controllable. And it's not like I have to count the calories on the diet, I only did it so I could see if I had more calories available for me to eat. :) The program pretty much counts your calories for you, it's just that I am doing the 4 and 2 program instead of the 5 and 1 because I'm exercising and nursing still... and I admit it, I didn't prepare like I should have... I was somewhere in the mountains instead, without internet and access to the guide... so I started out my day winging it, just a little bit.  Today, I will be better.  I know now more about what I'm doing and what I can and can't eat.

This is a can't, cruel to show them to you though, right?

Also, I weighed myself this morning and it looks like I already lost 2lbs.  I know that might be faster than I should be doing.  But, it feels good to see sacrifice, learning, and hard work pay off.  Awesome.  :)

Take Shape for Life Testimonial #2

Linda Sue lost 75 lbs!

*Results vary.
Typical weight loss on the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan® is 2-5 lbs per week for the first 2 weeks and 1-2 lbs per week thereafter. The success story represented in this advertisement lose weight through Take Shape For Life®, a Medifast support program.

"I love my life! I have more energy, and love to shop for clothes and groceries. I can walk all day without pain!"

Before Take Shape For Life, I was obese and very unhappy with the way I looked and felt. I had a lot of pain in my knees and I would go straight to the couch or bed as soon as I came home from work.

I kept getting bigger and heavier, and my doctor recommended LAP-BAND surgery, but because I suffer with strokes and TIAs ("mini-strokes)", I wasn't a candidate.

When my Health Coach introduced me to Take Shape For Life, I saw results after week one!

My friends are just stunned at my results on the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan. And, thank goodness, my husband was entirely supportive. It would have been so easy for him to say, "No, we can't afford this," but instead he said, "We can't afford for you to be unhealthy and unhappy."

My knees don't swell badly anymore and I can sleep easily at night because I'm not in pain. I work out at my gym six days a week, and love it.

The other day a "newbie" at my gym actually asked me if I was a trainer! I was stunned: me, a trainer! In May 2009 that would never have entered anyone's mind! I love what Take Shape For Life has done for me!

If you would like to know more email me at hillsraliveajw@gmail.com

Take Shape For Life #1 testimonial

This is a testimonial of how Take Shape For Life works.  If you would like more details, email me.  hillsraliveajw@gmail.com

David lost 205 lbs!

*Results vary.
Typical weight loss on the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan® is 2-5 lbs per week for the first 2 weeks and 1-2 lbs per week thereafter. The success story represented in this advertisement lose weight through Take Shape For Life®, a Medifast support program.

Eyes followed me on the airplane as people silently hoped that the morbidly obese guy wasn't going to sit next to them. Chairs broke under my weight. I split a pair of 62" pants before a business meeting and had to miss it because I couldn't find a store that carried my size.

I was depressed. I attempted to lose weight a dozen different ways. I would lose 25 pounds, at most, before returning to my heaviest weight - or more. I was completely illiterate about food and overwhelmed by contradictory advice and claims.

I had become a bystander in my own life, so I decided to make a commitment to myself. Medifast came into my life when I was ready to take a leap. I took a permanent marker and wrote my weight at the time and my goal weight on a wall in my living room. I committed to losing the weight so that I could go sky diving! I added my daily weigh-ins to track my progress.

With the Medifast 5 & 1 Plan, I knew that I was receiving balanced nutrition. I started to distinguish physical hunger from emotional hunger. A friend supported me as a Health Coach. I lost a total of 205 lbs and have been taught the skills I need to maintain a healthy weight for the rest of my life.

I share my story with others in hope that they will be inspired to take control of their bodies and lives. After losing weight, I was offered a promotion that I had wanted for seven years. I also took the biggest leap - from an airplane! I was able to go sky diving - my ultimate goal.

Recently

You may wonder why I was not here yesterday to begin my diet.  I was in the mountains with my family, for a family reunion.  I love my family.  I love the mountains.  It was pretty much awesome, despite large, diverse, imperfect, family lodged together in a...... lodge.   But seriously, I have five sisters and three brothers... and the majority of them have family, even kids who are getting married and starting their family.  I have always thought of myself as the biggest sister, biggest in size. While I was there we went on a few hikes, did some dance fusion yoga (Lynaea, Leah and I), Yoga Meltdown with Jillian, and went on a scientific expedition searching for Big Foot (Asher, 5, and Nora, 8, were the main leaders and scientists.  It's from them that we found Big Foot hates nature and will therefore randomly knock down and destroy trees, among other fascinating details soon to be released in a video made by Lynaea.)  But, there was no internet and I stayed longer than I anticipated... thus, I could not make my evolving plans known.  The diet starts today.

We also took some family pictures, and I had some before pictures taken to post here (they are not yet available to me).  When I saw the pictures of me, I was surprised... and not pleasantly so.  I was much, much rounder than I thought I was.  It was shocking, dismaying and a little disheartening... is this where all that work brought me... only here? (I've been working out on my own for awhile).  After seeing the pictures, I became more excited to start the diet.  I have an image of how I want to look, an image that may be different then other people's images of beauty, but I'm happy with it.  And it isn't that I'm not beautiful or worth while now... or that I'm going to be happier when I get to the other side... it's all about how I want to look.  It won't be perfect, I have never been perfect and after having three children I don't know if I can attain perfection without surgery... but I can get my body into a shape that pleases me and that is healthy.  Those are two of my main goals... to look how I want to look and to be healthy.

So, I have already started the diet.  I am starting the diet weighing 175lbs.  I will post a picture of my beautiful rotundness soon.  It will be my before picture... and I will be so excited to have an after picture soon!!! :)
Honestly, the diet hasn't been so bad today.  Not great, but not awful.  I've been talking to myself, my inner self... my sister, Mara... or was it Lynaea?... said the key to dieting isn't just power of will, but convincing your primordial, unconscious inner self that you're not trying to kill it by starvation... just trim it down a little bit.  I did smell a box of Oreos earlier today and my nose perked up and my thoughts became impure, laced with sugary temptation, but I thought of my family and I thought of my goals and I thought...nope, sacrifice now to get what I want later... So far, success.