My Jewels of a workout!

Two weeks ago I ran 13.1 miles.  Ever since then, I've been a little exhausted and finding motivation to workout has been a like resisting chocolate in the Willie Wonka Factory... darn near impossible.  Today was especially difficult.  It was one of those days where getting myself to do anything at all is like climbing a mile high mountain.  But, I'm crazy and I really, really want to run another 1/2 marathon in a month or two so I don't want to get out of shape... so, I made myself go in steps.  Step 1.  Put Aiden down for a nap.  Step 2.  Plug the boys into the T.V. (although, I did invite them to work out with me) Step 3.  Get dressed  Step 4.  Wander around on Amazon and Youtube for the perfect workout... ie: waste my time because I really don't want to workout....  and then I found this epic little jewel ... but seriously, for a girl who had NO energy today... I was smiling and laughing almost the whole time, when it wasn't hurting too much!  But even when it was hurting there was just something about Billy.... an inner joy... he's like the teacher that you loved in high school and just because they made you feel good about yourself you wanted to do and be better.... there's something indefinable about it other than knowing that while I was working out I just felt happy/joy.

I had a similiar experience with his son's dance workout... I mean there was a point in the video where people are shouting and singing hallelujah...  I had a grin on my face, from joy, the whole time I did that workout too!


LOVE these workouts!

Querida Hermana, quieres dulce comida? (Dearest Sister, do you want sweets?)

So, I know I've talked a lot about sharing the food I eat when I'm trying to be healthy.... because sometimes I'm not really trying at all....

But to be fair, my goal is just to be better and healthier... not perfect.  In lieu of trying to do better, per my sister's request, I will post my healthier cookies that I found in my cookbook for runners.  I've modified the recipe and if you try it, you try it at your own risk (don't worry my kids loved them!) because my directions may be vague and not quite precise!  I guess my next goal is to get my recipes to a place where other people will feel comfortable that the recipe they are following will actually turn out right.  I mean, I made the recipe, and they tasted good and they look good.... but.... well... I'll let my recipe speak, vaguely, for itself.  :)

So, I get the original recipe from:  The Runner's World Cookbook: 150 Recipes to Help You Lose Wieght, Run Better, and Race Faster.

I've not been using it as often as I should, but what I have used I really like and feel it does a good job of giving you the energy you need for running well, while still being healthy.

Without Further ado here are my Oatmeal Cookies, modified from their Chocolate-oatmeal cookies

6 TBLS butter, at room temperature (you can also use Coconut Oil or a milk free butter which will be yummy!)
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
3 TBLS Honey (they suggest dark honey)
2 eggs
1/2 cup of Gluten Free Flax and Ancient Grains All-Purpose Flour
1/4 cup of Almond Flour
1/4 cup of Coconut flour
1/4 cup of walnuts or pecans diced in a Ninja to small, itty bitty, not quite flour pieces.  But, I don't like large pieces in my cookies.  If you do, don't chop em up small!
(These two flours will add a little more Iron and about 14-18 g more protein for the whole recipe, you are welcome to explore and try other flours if you would prefer! But you do at your own risk!)
1 tsp of baking soda
Pinch of salt
1/8 to 1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/8 to 1/4 tsp all spice
1/8 to 1/4 tsp cloves
1 to 2 tsp of cinnamon
(this is where I'm really vague.. it just depends on how much spice you like... I went with the smaller amounts of spice, but I kinda wish I had put a tidge more in)
1/2 cup to 1 cup of Raisins
1/2 cup to 1 cup of Chocolate Chips
Also feel free to add about 1/4 cup of coco powder.... if you do use the Coconut Oil and the coco powder... I probably wouldn't use the spices, but you can... it would most likely taste like an Almond Joy bar without the spices... especially if you used almonds instead of pecans and walnuts!!!!... see, see how I'm getting vague... or is it that I'm becoming expansive.... I'm creating new things with just one recipe, I'm like a culinary adventurer... I don't like being bound down by rule... I"m breaking free and I'm sorry if I've lost you! :)  It's just who I am, I'm okay with this part of me and don't feel a need to fix it right now. :)  Just pretend you went to build a bear, but this is build a cookie and you can add fun things in it like chia seeds, cranberries, spices, raisins, chocolate chips, white chocolate chips... just have fun and know that there is a certain risk with experimenting.... sometimes its amazing and sometimes its not.  Embrace it.

just so you can see what the texture and thickness of your dough should look like, if it's runnier then add more flour, if it's thicker add more liquid like melted butter, melted coconut oil, milk etc etc....

Turn the oven on to 375, grease the cookie sheet or use parchment paper.  and cook for 10-12 minutes... I actually cooked mine at 350 for 10-12 minutes and they turned out well.

All the wet stuff, like the eggs and butter and sugar... mix together first and all the other dry stuff mix together in a bowl and then add it to the wet mixture with a beater.... if you want me to be more specific please go ahead and write me a comment, don't feel silly about it!!!.... I'm just lazy but can help you if you really want to make these cookies but are confused.

After it's all mixed together put them on the tray with a heaping tablespoon.

Now just cook and eat!!!  

oh, right AND I was told recently that in most recipes, if you just 1/2 the sugar they tell you to put in, it will still come out delicious!  I halved the sugar in some no-bakes and nobody would eat them... the texture was wrong.  see what I mean, sometimes its good and sometimes its not.

Lastly,  coconut flour does require more liquid... so if you use a different flour you may need more of it to get the right consistency, unless you use the coconut flour and cocoa powder then it could be drier.... have I confused anyone yet?  Or if you use the regular flour and coco powder it may turn out just right.  Either way.  Don't panic.  You can always add more liquid or flour as needed to get the right texture and consistency.  I keep remembering little things to add on.  Also, the Coconut Oil is temperamental.  I like melting it and mix it with the sugar first, then the eggs and vanilla and honey and then the flour.  If you mix it with something cold it has a tendency to congeal and get hard and then not mix in well... ie: you have little chunks of it rather then having it blend smoothly with the other ingredients... It's also a little more greasy... not in a heavy, yucky kind of greasy... so, you can reduce the amount of Coconut Oil if you want by 1-2 tablespoons... maybe I should just make some that way and write out that recipe for you all too!  Either way, I've always loved my chocolate chip cookies when I've made them with Coconut Oi... they really do taste a lot like Almond Joys!

More than 13.1 miles

I actually added some light to this photo, the original is a dark blue with the moon shinning down

Last Saturday, I ran the Timpanogos 1/2 marathon.  They picked us all up at 5 a.m. and drove us up the American Fork Canyon in the dark, dropped us off at 5:30 a.m. and then started the race at 6 a.m. In the morning. Sunrise is such a miraculous time of day, with the light spilling into the valley, a re-birth, a new beginning fresh and new.  Love it.  I was not so happy however, when I had to wake up at 3:30 a.m. to make it to the school before 5:00 a.m.  That's too early to be awake!  But, I would have missed it all if I hadn't.  The sacrifices we make.

Getting ready for the race to begin about 5:45am

So far, all of my races have begun the night before the race actually begins (you could say, it begins as soon as you start training).  I'm just so pumped up and so excited, seriously, it's like Christmas, I felt like a kid again, I couldn't sleep.  I closed my eyes and lay there trying to will myself asleep.  I turned on the BBC Emma instead.  Soothing music in the background, light conversation, lilting English accents.  Perfection.  I finally fell asleep by 12:30 am.  I'm lucky.  Three hours of sleep. Unfortunately, my stomach still hurt, just a little.  This stomach ache has taught me the invaluable lesson of NOT eating at places called Chubby, that tout Southern comfort foods as their expertise.  Seriously, the day before the race... I was so sick.  That's even after I said, hold the ham, the bacon, the cheese and the bun.  I just want the jalapeno.  Unfortunately, they didn't hold the grease.  The turmoil it caused in my digestive tract made me very afraid for race day.  Very afraid.


I was so worried this race would end up a disaster.  A disaster for me, because I so badly wanted to improve my time and intestinal issues would impede my ability to run with speed and agility, grace and strength... I might end up stuck at the top of the canyon in a porta-potty for the duration of the race.  How awful would that be!  To keep such a tragedy at bay, I gulped down Pepto-Bismal and took Imodium right before I started the race. They either worked like magic, or my intestines decided to behave because there were no serious issues... not even an unbearable side-ache.  Well, enough about my intestines.  I'm just glad they were on their best behavior.

waiting for the beginning of the race!  awesome view of the mountain!

Speaking of behavior, it's one thing I love about my races so far... people and how they behave, what they say and do... the quick and easy camaraderie propelled by the common experience of pain, struggle and endurance.  But, if I'm honest, it's even before the race starts.  It's in the line getting ready to get on the bus.  One woman and her cousin had been running races for years.  They were both short like me with dark hair and an olive complexion.  For my own purposes, I will call them Judith and Mary.  I asked them how many 1/2 marathons they had run... 15-18, they weren't even sure and just one full marathon.  One was enough for them.  Judith told me it was all her cousin's doing.  She said, that when she started she was a size 16.... she looked more like a size 6 now. One of the things she kept repeating to me was not to judge the other runners, you might look at somebody and think...I could pass them, I could so pass them and then you start to catch them and they just take off running never to be seen again.  She also laughed about how any times she has been passed by someone in their 70's... you just don't judge she kept saying.  Speed and ability don't come in a size or shape.  Don't judge what another person is or is not capable of doing, people will surprise you.

My children surprise me daily, such wonderful people! (this is Aiden waiting for mom to cross the finish line)

On the bus ride up, I sat by another woman who worked with people after they had heart attacks... her job was to help them find a way to become healthy and strong.
Me:  How many 1/2 marathons have you run?
She:  A few, I wasn't going to run this one but someone persuaded me to.
Me:  Are you working or going to school?
She:  I'm working, I've got a job at the hospital rehabilitating people after they've had a heart attack.
Me:  Do you like it?  Is it difficult?
She:  Sometimes, I mean some people are so scared they're ready to change and become healthy and other people aren't ready at all.
(That struck a chord with me, change is so difficult)
Me:  It's hard to get people to change when they don't want to.  Change is difficult, sometimes it's easier to just do what you know.  It's more comfortable and safe.

Well, I was going to continue this conversation, but now I can't remember much more of it (even this isn't verbatim!)  I do believe she told me that she had run one full marathon and had cried four different times along the way.  Anyway, I was going to try for humorous because as our conversation progressed the more I could tell she didn't really want to talk or maybe wasn't listening... I mean, maybe she was... but she kept using words like wow! and totally!  In a way that made me think that she was tired and didn't really want to talk.  Which tickled my funny bone... here she was trying to just chill, rest, relax while some stranger kept on talking to her.  Poor thing.  I tried to keep my thoughts to myself, but every once-in-a-while I just had to share some thought or other.

After we were dropped off I lost contact with all three women... which leads me to another thought... do more women run or men?  I think I saw a lot more women running than men.  But, I don't know the statistics.  This time, I placed myself at the back of the line... it was all strategic, if I'm at the back of the line I'll end up passing more people rather than feeling like everyone was passing me... for me, that's an incredible mind game.  When people pass me, it feels like they pull my energy away from me and carry it off with them.  So, it's much better for me to start nice and easy and slowly move forward until I find my niche.

if only I could have taken a picture of the canyon walls!

The canyon was beautiful, it's supposed to have some of the best climbing walls... in the world?  the country?  the state?  I don't know if it matters... it was awe inspiring.  The cliff faces rising above you, the oak and pine trees growing shade around you, the lake, the stream tumbling down the canyon.  I wanted to stop and take pictures.  I even tried to stop, but it was messing with my energy flow... and I couldn't get a good picture anyway.  I definitely gave up on picture taking when my goal markers (people who are carrying a sign to indicate your finishing time if you run with them) passed me.  It was spectacular still though, Utah is a blessed land with nature so close at hand.  Amazing rhyme right?  Totally on accident! :)

Proof that my picture taking ability was seriously compromised and that I had no idea I was taking video rather than pictures

Anyhow.  The first 8 miles were good.  All though, at several different points I questioned my sanity or imagined what running the last few miles would be like.  I knew there was a possibility that it would be painful.  When I did that, I tried to remind myself to run mentally where I was, not what I was afraid of and not where I wanted to be, the time would come soon enough that I would be running the end of my race.  The next 2 miles were all right, I probably would have been in good shape (as in, not dying) up until mile 10... but it was after mile 10 that up hill and down hill were both just as painful... it didn't matter which one I was doing... it just hurt.  It was these last 3 miles though that made me appreciate people more.  For this reason, I would like to make a shout out for those who don't run their marathon in 2 hours or less...  It's easy to think that the people who finish first are the most amazing out of the lot because they are the fastest... don't get me wrong... it is amazing, I know they aren't feeling fresh as a daisy and that they push through the pain too, and they do it with speed... it's just... there's something remarkable about the slow runners too, because they are slow they have to push through the pain longer.  I wish you could see the look on the faces of the people I was running with at the end of the race, the determination, the good will, the joking and encouraging, all while they were struggling and in pain.  As if we could somehow reach out to each other and draw on each others strength, so that we could all cross that finish line.  It was one of those moments where it was easy to believe that people are basically good.

love my boys, they may not behave perfectly but they have hearts of gold! (Asher and Isaac waiting for mom)

At this point, just picking up my legs hurt. My bones hurt. My tendons hurt. My ligaments and muscles hurt.  But, I didn't want to walk.  So, I picked them up.  And I kept thinking, if only I could find a way to move quickly, I could be done and I wouldn't be hurting quite so much anymore.  I just wanted to be done.  I had lost the people carrying the 2 hr and 20 minute finish time long ago.  I was worried that the next marker would be 2 hr and 45 minutes.  I wanted to finish better, stronger than my first.

You can see the women in the right hand corner cheering the other runner on to the finish line!  I was so grateful for their encouragement! 

About 1 mile away from the finish line 2 women carrying the 2 hr and 30 minute finishing time passed me.  I had to keep up.  I forced myself to pick up my legs and stay with them.  I had so wanted a finishing time of 2 hrs and 20 minutes.... I knew that was impossible now, but if I could help it, I was going to catch the 2 hr and 30 minute time!  When I got to the end, with a  3/4 of a lap around a high school race track, the two women holding the sign stopped and started yelling.... if you run real fast you can beat us, you can finish faster then the2 hr and 30 minute time.  They started yelling for us to run, just run, beat our time!  I'm not sure how I did it.  I'm not sure how the people around me did it... but we did. We picked up our legs and ran as fast as we could (emphasis on our own individual ability and not strictly running fast... jut as fast as we were able).

This was as fast as I was able, I was so using my arms to push me forward... leaning, yearning for the finish line

 As I came around the last corner, I saw my husband and three little boys waving to me, encouraging me, taking pictures of me... Aiden made a break for it and tried to chase after me!(Josh told me after I finished) I choked on a sob of elation at seeing them at the end of it all and nearly burst into tears... but I had to finish first.  When I crossed the finish line the people there were so full of... joy?... so happy to see you and so willing to praise you and congratulate you on the amazing job you had done... so proud of you.... Having just seen my family and being surrounded by such a welcoming and encouraging environment my first thought was... this is Heaven.  After all the hard work, after all the pain, after all the struggles, the joy, camaraderie here upon this earth, will we not be welcomed by such an embrace by our family and those who have passed on before?

My family, my beautiful, wonderful, imperfect and lovable family!

I am so grateful for running.  It's lessons are invaluable! This is only my second 1/2 marathon, but it is my third race to run in since high school.  But just like in high school, running is so much more than just physical exertion... it's another way that God teaches me and strengthens me.  

I run because I need to run, to feel good, to have energy to get more done, to help balance and organize my life.... I mean the list goes on and on.  When I exercise I have to organize my life better so I can fit it in, and because I have positive endorphins in my body it's easier to tackle the problems of the day... it helps keep my thoughts more positive so I'm swimming instead of sinking... even if it's just treading water... at least I'm not sinking.  That's why I started this whole kick of exercising, I needed positive energy in my life and I want to be a stronger person.  For right now, this I believe is how God, my Heavenly Father, is teaching me how to do that.

You can see Asher's shadow as he watches me run by... Josh  accidentally took this picture because he had to suddenly chase after Aiden.

10k Sucking energy, Medals and Jamba Juice

I just couldn't get them to smile and look at me at the same time... This was the best we could do... Asher, finally told me it was embarrassing and we needed to stop.

The boys were so excited for their race.  Aiden wanted to come too, but Josh was sick and I just wasn't brave enough to bring three boys to a race on my own...we'll have to try again at a different race to have all three boys run... run, being a word and term I use very loosely here.  It was a lot shorter than I thought it would be and Asher, was tugging on one arm the whole time very frantically and impatiently urging us to run faster, "we're going to lose the race!"  He felt that the race might not be worth it if we didn't cross the finish line first... I tried to explain that it didn't matter, there were too many people (ie: we would have needed a good crowd separator to get through... Andre the Giant anyone?  "Everybody Move!"), and we didn't have a timing chip... but none of that matters to a little boy who just wants to prove himself.  Isaac on the other hand, literally, was tugging me to just stop and maybe sit down, or possibly carry me please, because "I'm too tired!"  which only spurred on Asher's anxiety about losing the race.  I almost gave up with my polar opposite near tantruming boys... instead, I kept dragging Isaac and tried to console Asher and keep him interested in just having fun.  It was amazing how everything changed once we crossed the finish line.

Exploring

Once they had their ribbons and medals and a jamba juice in their hands the whole ordeal, suddenly became worth it.  In fact, Asher hid his medal under his sunday shirt and showed it off to his friends there.  It's interesting what we find to be vital to our importance and value as a person.  I'm just stinking proud of both of them and looking forward to trying to be healthier with all my boys.  (Josh included! :) ).



What I loved about my race:
1. I loved seeing the sun rise, I don't see that often enough.  I love the quiet serenity of the morning
2.  I love the people.  Runners are usually a different breed of people, and it seems that interesting things seem to happen when I'm out running.  This time, it was a woman who started talking to me and sharing important, personal details about here life at the starting line.  She was divorced, living with her mother, raising her daughter on her own because she had caught her ex-husband doing drugs.  While it's a strange thing to have someone admit to you... and even more difficult for me because I wasn't sure what to say... I admired her strength and determination to be strong and help her daughter to have a strong and healthy life.
3.  No matter how much pain I'm in... and no matter how much I might not like it at the time... I do like the battle... the battle of mind and spirit over body... pushing yourself, even when you feel like sitting down.  And I did.  Want to sit down.  But I didn't.  Sit down or stop.  This race might have been more difficult, mentally, than my 1/2 marathon.  Maybe it was because shorter races equal faster paces, faster pace... it's just not something I'm great at.  And my stomach hurt, all of it.  And I could tell I hadn't done my training well, my body did not feel strong at all... it felt flimsy and weak.  (speaking of, I really need to go and exercise so my 1/2 marathon doesn't feel this bad!!!) But, like I said... I like the battle... I may not have done exactly how I wanted... but I feel like I gave a good fight... and that's good enough for me right now.

I loved that there were families and friends everywhere, supporting each other.  It was great!

4.  I loved that there is such a variety of people.  Sometimes it's so easy to say, that type of person can run, or dance, or sing, or jump, or play basketball/any sport and that type can't.. but with running... it takes ALL body types and ALL fitness levels... You don't have to be a certain body type to work at being healthy and finish a race.  It really is an open door sort of sport.  I like/love that.  It's inspiring.
5.  I love Jamba Juice and medals hanging on a ribbon.  The Jamba Juice and medal, really did make the race worth it.  I asked Asher and Isaac if they would run another race if they knew they would get another medal and Jamba Juice, to which the emphatically told me yes!  I asked them if they would run even if they didn't get the medal and Jamba Juice...  and no, no running unless there's an award.

Jamba Juice and a medal

What I didn't love about my race:
1.  So many people, sucking the energy out of me when they passed me.  I believe it's a thing... probably has something to do with an unknown physics law, that when you get passed or you pass somebody there is a transferal of energy that goes to the passee.  I try to ignore it.  I try to be okay that the marathoner who started his race hours ago is doing better than I am and passing me.  I try to be okay that the limping lady is faster than I am... it's okay... it's okay.  Or the guy hacking out his lungs.  Or the pregnant lady.... like I said.  It's inspiring right?



Weirdest thing that happened.
1.  I saw someone smoking at the starting line.  It' not a judgement call, smoke if you want... but something about smoking, lungs and running  just doesn't make sense.  That's just me.

Wanting to win the race

Long Walk

I took a long walk with my boys today.  Asher walked almost the whole 3.5 miles.  Isaac, had little to no motivation so he sat in the wagon I was pulling around and ate his peanut butter and honey sandwich.  And Aiden was trying really hard to be a mini Asher... but his little 2 year old body isn't cut out for it.  I, I got a bad sunburn.  Of course, I didn't have a camera... mine has gone through at least a few years of heavy duty use... it's become fragile and cumbersome... and if I'm honest, I lose the important parts of it like the battery charger or the memory cards all the time.  I probably shouldn't try to excuse myself too much.  I need to bring my camera so I can capture all the little moments... good and bad.  I want to start making this a part of our daily life.... or as daily as possible.  It's time to get a better bike for Asher, fix up my stroller and just head up into the beautiful Hobble Creek Canyon to spend an afternoon making memories!  Eventually, maybe we'll all ride bikes up there... but the streets are busy enough to be scary and I'm just going to take it one boy at a time learning how to be safe on the road!  It's possible in another life I was a chicken... or maybe it's just the sane mother in me wanting to keep some sort of control over her children's safety.


Yesterday, I was near breakdown mode.  I ran out of my vitamins I'm using to treat the depression and anxiety.  It was awful feeling so dark and black... knowing it was a mere chemical imbalance... but it didn't change how my body and mind felt.  I made myself do some yoga.  Which, strangely, the immediate effect was that I wanted to cry.  Or write.  I've always wanted to write in the midst of my crashes... thinking it would be therapeutic for me and for others to know they aren't alone.  But.  It's so not easy to share yourself when you are at your worst.  Especially since, I don't want sympathy.  I don't want to come off as someone who is deeply pessimistic, who only sees the dark side of things (but let's be honest, in the middle of depression you're world changes colors... light for obscurity).  Well, I'm not sure if it was the Vitamin Bs (Solaray Mega B-Stress, taken morning and night) my mom asked me to take while I wait for my other vitamins or if it was the yoga, or something else... but today, I felt so much better!  It's like stepping into the light.  It's so much easier to participate in life and get outside and exercise and I'm so happy I was able to do it with my little loves... like I said, I just wish I could have taken a picture of it.

Also, I love working out with Jillian... I've had other workouts that I felt made a difference... but nothing has been as effective as winning it with the Biggest Looser star!  I'm going to hurt tomorrow!

Reboot

You may or may not have noticed the lack of posts these past few... has it been weeks? The reason?  I'm not sure why.  But I did have a small depressive crash.  It was just a few days, but it was enough to throw my groove off.  I was able to keep up with getting ready for my 1/2 marathon... yay!  But eating like I wanted to went out the window of my speeding semi truck of self indulgence.  My easy lapse made it difficult to want to hold myself accountable here on the internet.  But I've chosen public accountability so that I could be some sort of example.  The kind of example that falls down, makes mistakes and then tries to get back up again.  If you're coming here to see Mrs. Perfection, she is not here.

But I've always thought that's what makes us impressive as humans; falling down and getting back up again, trying to do the best thing.  I'll tell you what though.  It isn't easy.  It's so easy to feel ashamed, to feel like you've already made a mistake so why not go whole hog (ie:  I just ate one piece of candy so now I might as well eat the whole bag, although I'm sure there are other examples we could use).

What I struggled with the most... hmmm... most.... as I write it, I start thinking about everything else that fits under the category of most, biggest, darkest struggles and, okay... it's not the most... but it's one of those battles that just keeps coming back at ya, and sometimes you can look it square in the face and say... you've already been won and other times you just want to cry out, why????

It's so difficult, I believe, as women, to settle the messages that the media sends us.  On one hand we see beautifully sculpted (often photo-shopped) women, and we've been conditioned to believe that this is what a truly beautiful woman looks like and if you don't look the same... well.... you're part of a different party (that still rocks!)

Then we have the other camp who wants us to embrace ourselves as we are.  Love ourselves in the skin we are in, no matter how big or small.  And I agree.  

But it turns into an internal battle when I look in the mirror and don't see what I want to see or I weigh myself and I haven't lost the weight I've wanted to.  Working as hard as I feel I'm working, I want to see results.  Heck!  I wanted to see results after my first day back running... but to go day after day and not see what I want to see change. It's irritating and depressing.

And then I feel guilt.  I shouldn't have eaten what I ate.  Ugh.  I should just love myself the way that I am.  What's really important is to just be healthy and love yourself no matter what shape or form your body is in.  Just love yourself.

BUT

 I just want to rock in my body made of steel and be as light as a feather.  And then I'll forgive myself.

Hello, impossible.  

I don't expect myself to ever be perfect, but I have my own ideal of how I want my body to be.  And it's not there.  I would like to believe that that ideal isn't shaped by society/the media... but I think I would by lying to myself if I did.   But while I may have been trained to believe things about my body and perfection... I believe that I'm choosing my own path... I will never look like a photo-shopped model... or even a true un-photo-shopped model.  And I'm okay with that.   I just want to be the best that I see in myself.  And when I'm not there, there's a battle.  A battle between wanting to be there and just loving me and the skin that I"m in.

Always, the best thing is just to love and forgive.

So, here's to loving ourselves, others and God (I believe you need all three to be truly happy).

And here to always, always getting back up again, dusting yourself of and learning from your mistakes.  Let go and love yourself. Shame destroys and is one of the worst motivators you can find... so, let it go.  There, there's the pep talk I'm giving myself and anyone else who wants it.

Here's to the reboot.  Adding one new healthy habit at a time.

Don't Spit in the Wind

This morning I actually woke up early (earlier, is more exact) and went running.  It was cold and the wind was still rushing out of the canyon as fast as it could, while I was running into the canyon as fast as I could.   The wind was faster, of course.   Running into the wind is like running with a C-Pap machine while having someone push you backwards....so, you get good oxygen, but man do you have to fight.   For some reason, running into the wind reminded me of this song...

"You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't spit in the wind.  You don't pull the mask of the old Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Jim!"

May I add, you don't run into the wind?  And may the wind always be at your back.  Such an excellent saying (Irish right?).  It was kinda fun though, having this song stuck in my head while I was running back home and I had the wind at my back.  Altogether it wasn't horrible, in fact it was a pleasant run.  I felt strong and healthy.  And I got to try out my new shoes.  Saucony Progrid.  My last pair was Saucony Kinvara.  I actually love both of them, they're light and airy but give the support that my legs and feet need.
And, no.  I'm not being paid to write it.

Also, I've been happy with my eating... there have been a few nights when ALL I've wanted was chocolate or a gooey warm cookie (chocolate chip) and I think I deserved it.... bed time is so full of drama it could be a soap opera.  I won't go into details but if someone doesn't cry at one point (usually brushing their teeth) and someone doesn't get out of bed multiple times or climb into bed with someone else and start sword fighting with their 'light sabers'.... well then it's a good night for me and a bunch of worn out boys too tired for resistance.   Any other night that does happen, is normal... and I deserve that cookie!  But, I resisted.  Yeah me!  I really wish yeah, was spelled yay... it makes more sense, but that's the English language for you.